From the outside, pregnancy seems to be a really exciting time in life. While I totally agree that it is and I am thrilled to be pregnant right now, I was completely unprepared for how much pregnancy would stir up my tendency towards anxiety and also reignite my grief regarding my brother’s death last year. Working through both the anxiety and the sadness has been a tough process for me so far.
In this post I specifically want to speak about my experience with grief as I believe that talking about my emotional health is just as important as discussing the physical changes I am undergoing. I’m going to candidly share with the hope that it brings assistance or comfort to someone else who is struggling in similar ways.
For those of you who are unaware and newer to reading my blog, my little brother passed away in September 2016 at the age of 27 after a long struggle with addiction and mental illness. I haven’t written about my grief journey lately on my blog other than small mentions, mostly out of wanting to protect my mom and grandmother who read my blog daily, but I know that they’re on their own journeys of healing and we all do it in different ways. For me, it’s in writing and also in teaching and it feels wrong not to talk about this here.
We were quite a few months into trying to conceive when I learned of Will’s passing and I honestly believe that in the six months of so after his death, there was no possible way that I could have conceived because I was carrying so much sadness and turmoil inside of me.
Around the arrival of summer, things finally started feeling lighter. I remember taking my friend Angie’s yoga class at 6 a.m. on the Wednesday morning that we were to leave for our Europe vacation and sobbing my way through savasana because I felt so sad that my brother wouldn’t ever have the experience that was in front of me. That trip ended up bringing me a lot of healing and a lot of clarity. I arrived home from it feeling more relaxed and at ease in my body and in my heart than I had been in a long time.
We would end up conceiving the next month.
One of the first reactions that I had over my positive pregnancy test was tears. My brother immediately came to mind and I was so sad that I would never get to tell him and that he would never meet my baby. I shared this with some close friends who assured me that he knew already and would be there with me for it all. Some even said he sent me this baby. The first anniversary of his death was three weeks after I received my positive pregnancy test and his birthday was a month after that. I struggled so much with his birthday. He would have been just 29 years old.
As you guys know, last week I had his two girls here. I feel so fortunate to have this piece of him and for the ability to have a relationship with them. They are funny, smart, kind, spirited and full of love. I see so much of the best parts of him in them. But as I dropped them off on Saturday and began my drive back to Charlotte, I was overwhelmed with grief. I am so sad that he’s not here to see these gorgeous girls grow up and I’m so sad for them that they will grow up without their father. It has really affected me the last few days and to be honest, I’ve really been struggling.
I feel grateful to have tools and resources to help me work through this. My yoga practice and moving my body are huge helps as are my incredible friends who never shy away from talking about the big heavy stuff. And after I sign off from writing this post, I’ll be seeing my therapist. I’ve been seeing her for six years but not regularly as of late. I’ve only seen her once since becoming pregnant and it’s becoming evident to me that I might need to go back on a more regular schedule as I navigate my way through this new life journey.
One of the things that she helps me most with is being able to hold paradox in my life and accept that joy and pain often exist together. And I’m seeing it on a whole new level now through my own experience of carrying a new life as I also mourn his death.
Here I am at 17 weeks pregnant. I think the baby had a bit of a growth spurt from 16 to 17 weeks because not only is my belly noticeably bigger but I’ve gained a few more pounds as well.
I’m going to bypass the survey for this week because a) I’ve already written a novel above that really sums up how I’m feeling at the moment and b) much of it would be redundant from last week.
The baby is the size of a pomegranate and here are the big things happening with it this week:
- Rubbery cartilage is now turning into bone and baby is starting to put on some fat (they’re so so skinny at this point)
- Heartbeat is now being regulated by the brain and beats twice as fast as our resting heart beat – around 150 beats per minute. Baby’s heart is pumping around 25 quarts of blood every day
- Starting to develop teeth buds under the gums!
- Sucking and swallowing skills are being developed by practicing with the amniotic fluid
Thank you for letting me share this journey with you. <3
Love,
Jen
Thanks for sharing Jen. I am so sorry about the loss of your brother and the grief and pain that comes along with. What you mentioned about joy and pain coexisting is so true yet something I always seem to forget. Thank you for that reminder. Praying for you in this season of life.
Thank you Katherine. And yes, the paradox is something I have to stop and fully let soak in on a regular basis. It’s a great tool to learn.
Thank you for sharing Jen, grief is such a hard thing to talk about. Everyone experiences it so differently, I am appreciative of you sharing how you are working through your grief because it really shows people there is no right or wrong way to work through it. Big hugs, and lots of loving energy coming your way.
Sarah, thanks for your comment. I agree that grief is a difficult topic to broach because everyone does experience it SO differently, on such different timelines and also needs support in such different ways. <3 I hope that by sharing I can create the space for others to feel supported in their own pain and grief.
Thank you for sharing and being so open. I want to say that you are not alone. My father passed away at the age of 60 five years ago, I was 28. Since that time it’s gotten easier and the grief is less heavy. In January I found out I was pregnant and in October I had my beautiful baby girl. There is so much joy but also great sadness. My dad wasn’t at the hospital with my mom and inlaws. He won’t get to hold her or tell me how he thinks she’s perfect. He isn’t here for me to get one of his huge comforting hugs that made me feel like everything would be ok. But he does know her, he does see her, and he is her guardian angel. And she will know him through stories and pictures. It’s not easy but it’s the only way. So I let the tears flow when I need to and focus on the good. Try to do the same, and let yourself grieve as needed.
You’re welcome Megan and thank YOU for sharing how this impacted you as well. First, congratulations on your daughter and second, I can completely relate to everything you shared about the happiness tinged with sadness. I can only imagine the longing that will last a lifetime. Sending you love and strength.
Sounds like you’re making a great decision to continue to see your therapist through your pregnancy. I know a lot of people who struggled with anxiety or depression and it seems like the birth of their children really brought all of that back up. I’ve never been a really emotional person but having my own child completely changed how I react to every situation and it’s surprised me how tough it is to handle the emotions of being responsible for another life.
Hi Allison, yes – I definitely agree. I think that many of us are unprepared for the ways that pregnancy and childbirth can impact us emotionally. I can’t even imagine how much more it will shift once the baby is actually here, like you said, so I am doing all that I can to get good with myself and grounded now. <3
My mom passed away almost 7 years ago. Being pregnant the grief came flooding in in so many new ways. My son is named after my mom (we are Jewish, so it’s first letter of her name is the first letter of his name) and he has so many amazing qualities that remind me of her. I find so much great comfort in him, I hope Baby brings you a bit of that comfort as well.
Hi Julie – thank you so much for sharing how this affected you as well. It’s comforting to hear that I’m not alone. And yes, I pray for the same things. <3
Thank you for sharing Jen! And for being so honest. I adore these updates from you even when they are raw and emotional. You are making the right choices for yourself, your baby and your relationship 🙂
I can’t thank you enough for your support Nicki. <3
Thank you so much for openly sharing your experience. I’m so sorry for your loss and share your struggle with learning to cope with the loss of a loved one, especially when addiction is involved. I’m sending lots of love of healing vibes your way.
You’re welcome Hannah. Thanks for the supportive comment.
I think you’re very smart to continue with your therapist. Kudos to you for being open and honest; I thank you. Don’t forget that the hormone load you’re carrying intensifies everything!!! It can feel very overwhelming.
I wish I could say once you have your baby you’ll feel better, but, honestly, parenthood is this incredibly amazing experience but one in which you basically have mini-heartbreaks daily. Your children expose your absolute rawest vulnerabilities and the fierce love you have for them is intense. Like your therapist said: pain and happiness can coexist and once you have kids, your heart gets more skilled at being open to that.
You’re not alone in your struggle. Not at all. I hear you, and I get it!
xo
Hi Alicia, thank you for the kind and encouraging words. I am trying to keep in mind that the hormones are in play here too but I also know that my life is forever changed like you mentioned in your comment. I am committed to doing my part to take care of myself so that I can be the best and most present mom that I can be. <3
P.S.
I think you “popped!!” Adorable!
Hey Jen,
I lost my littler brother as well. Its funny you mention your brother sent you a gift of a positive pregnancy. We also struggled with infertility and our daughter was born the same day my brother passed away, I took that as a sign of happiness. We named her Harper Drew (Drew was his name). I love that she can have a part of him. I still struggle with missing him, especially since my kids are surrounded by my husbands brother and sister (who are great). I so wish that I could have had my brother around for my kids to know who he was. Its always a journey, I find I like to tell his life through funny stories of us growing up. Just because he isn’t here doesn’t mean they won’t know who he is 🙂
-Sam
Sorry! I forgot the rest- I also struggled with anxiety more during pregnancy, and I also have to really be diligent about keeping it in check now. I guess because I know the effects of death and how quickly things can change. If I were to offer any advice it would be to be as open as you can about it ( to the people you love) so that others can help.
Samantha – thank you so much for your comments and for sharing your story and offering support. I’m so sorry to hear that you also lost your brother. It is such an untimely and strange thing to wrap your head around. WOW that your daughter was born the same day that your brother passed. I can only imagine the feelings that must have stirred for you. It’s beautiful that you named her after him and that you speak of him and keep his memory alive for your kids to “know” their uncle.
Your story brought me comfort and I truly believe the more we can speak of these things, the better off we will all be.
There is an old Jewish tradition that teaches if a funeral procession happens to meet a wedding procession at a crossroads, the wedding procession has the right of way. It is meant for us to know it is good to celebrate the happy moments in life, even when commingled with sadness, and gives us permission to do so. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and think you have honored him here so well. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I have enjoyed reading your blog over the past few years..
Love this. Thanks for sharing.
This is such a lovely thought. Thank you for sharing it. It means a lot to me. <3
you have a lot of love and hugs coming your way, girl 🙂
Thank you, I am grateful for the support I feel.
THANK YOU for your honesty and being so raw and open. My heart hurts for you as death feels so final for those of us left behind. I love that we’re entering an era where it’s not only ok to discuss our struggles/needing to see therapists/etc, but encouraged. I’m sure it can be frustrating because everyone expects you to be happy and glowing 100% of the time these days, but you are dealing with heavy things and that’s easier said than done. Your baby is lucky to have such an introspective mama who works to keep her body, mind, and spirit healthy!
-Ensley
Hi Ensley – thank you so much for the supportive comment. I agree that it’s been wonderful to see mental health take more of a front seat when it comes to a holistic view of health. It’s my hope that by taking care of myself in these ways, I can pave the way for my future child to feel supported to do the same.
Beautiful post! while my grief struggles aren’t the same, my grandma passed away a year ago next week and it makes me sad to think about her and the fact that she didn’t get to meet her next great grandbaby (i’m 14 weeks pregnant). But I’d like to think she’s spending time with him/her right now before we get to meet the little babe. Recognizing your feelings is the best way of processing grief and sadness.
Thank you Kathy. I’m so sorry for the loss of your grandmother and I can relate to what it must feel like to wish she could meet her grandbaby. I love your sentiment that they’re spending time together now. That is amazing. Sending you a lot of love and congratulations on your pregnancy.
This post really touched me. Thank you!
Hi Jen. What a beautiful post. Grief is so hard to talk about so I really appreciate you putting your thoughts and feelings out there. I lost my mother many years ago, when I was 27. While the grief has lessened over the years, I still think of her every day and am so grateful for all the memories I have of her. During different times of the year, the loss feels big and heavy and I break down in tears for seemingly no reason. I think grief is just that way. It ebbs and flows and I can’t imagine how deep you must be feeling the loss of your brother right now, between being pregnant and seeing your nieces…my heart goes out to you.
Strangely enough, my sister gave birth to her second child on the fourth anniversary of my mother’s death. It was unexpected and brought up SO MANY FEELINGS. Wow. And my mother’s birthday was on Christmas Day, so every year the holidays are bittersweet.
I came across your blog looking at random posts about being 17 weeks pregnant, and I related more than I ever expected. My sister died from substance abuse a year ago, and I am 17 weeks pregnant today. I’m happy for the pregnancy, but so, so, so sad that she will never meet her nephew or see my older daughter grow up. I know your post is old, but I also know the grief never really goes away. Thank you for sharing. <3 to you.