I miss her so much every minute of every day. The best way to describe how I feel is that there is a gaping hole. I feel physical pain in my heart. I’m telling myself over and over again that this pain is worth it for the nearly 13 truly remarkable years that we got to share.
The hardest moment of the week was by far setting foot on the trail for the first time without Sullie. This trail was my little fam’s happy place. I walked so many miles on this trail while I was pregnant with Sullie on my left and Zoey on my right, and then as a family of four pushing Finn in the BOB. I literally felt like I was going to come apart. I walked down the trail sobbing and talking to Sullie. I felt like I could look down and see her on my left, like I should be able to reach my hand down and pat her.
The love I have received from my friends, family, neighbors and online community has been nothing short of awe-inspiring. It’s been a true testament to the power of kindness and that social media can be a place of safety, love, support and belonging.
A friend of mine sent this message via Facebook messenger…
“Praying hard for you Jen. I’m constantly amazed with your vulnerability to share with others in order to help others heal. I was reading some Instagram comments on your post, and people sharing their recent loss of their pets. You are creating a space for people to heal and say life sometimes hurts like hell. And not everyone can create that. That space gives people the freedom to say, ok, I’m “normal” for feeling this way in my loss. There is hope in darkness. Trust that. Super proud of you.”
I realize that I am far from the first person who’s ever had to endure the grief of losing a cherished pet. My Instagram has been a sad place this week but it’s always my prayer that by bringing all of myself and my full spectrum of emotions to the work that I do (both in teaching yoga and sharing online) that I can help others feel less alone in whatever they may be facing in life.
I have felt fortunate to have the space to share so freely and not to feel forced to “return to normal programming.” If you are also in a time of loss, I cannot recommend reading the comments on my last few Instagram posts enough. They are full of heartbreakingly beautiful words and reminders. I haven’t been able to start responding yet but I have read every single one.
Work was hard this week. I mostly gave myself a pass on productivity. I took a break from my blog. Understandably, I’m not in a creative place right now. I subbed out about half of my classes but still taught a few. I found that the few I did teach really helped me get out of my head and sadness and shift my energy more towards gratitude.
These two have brought great comfort. My mom and I were talking about what Finn must think. I know he realizes that Sullie isn’t here. Zoey has been mopey and extra clingy (although she’s always been a velcro dog) but I’ve made an effort to spend as much time with her as possible. We’ve gone on walks, runs and I’ve been taking her with me in the car whenever I can. I used to always do that with Sullie before I had two dogs and she loved joining me for rides. And Finn thinks it’s awesome to have a partner in the backseat.
Finn adores Zoey and I swear his first word is going to be Zoey. He makes the sound of it all the time. It sounds more like “oh-ey.”
Speaking of Finn and firsts…this happened the day after Sullie passed. It felt like the circle of life…that Sullie’s life ends and Finn takes his first steps. He had previously taken about 2 steps but this was the first thing you could call waking.
He has been a ray of sunshine during a very tough week. He’s been battling a cold all week but has been the sweetest and funniest sick baby (or toddler I guess I should say!) ever.
Finally, my mom arrived yesterday. This visit was planned before I lost Sullie but the timing couldn’t be more perfect. My birthday is this weekend and I want nothing more than a quiet day with my mom, Finn and Zoey.
And unrelated to everything in this post, you’ll see on Finn’s arm in the photo above a giant mosquito bite. Unfortunately, mosquitos seem to love Finn as much as they love me but he’s super reactive to the bites. I welcome all of your suggestions for bug protection for littles. What do you use?
Thank you for being wonderful. Sending lots of love out to all of you.
xx,
Jen
You are such a good momma and have such a good heart. Prayers for you and your family as you enter in to your new normal.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I always use my morning run time as my prayer time; tomorrow I will pray specifically for you and your family. Sending big hugs!
You’re truly incredible, Jen. I am so so sorry for the loss of Sullie and sending the biggest hug to you all right now. I knew ever since I started following you..7, 8 years ago, how much you cherished Sullie. She’s been through it all with you and doggies truly are the best of friends. I trust that she will be looking down on the 3 of you and keeping you lol safe, healthy and happy. I hope you have a great weekend with your momma! Xoxox
Hi Jen. You and your family have been on my mind all week. Glad to hear your Mom is with you three. Take good care.
Jen, I am SO very sorry for the loss of Sullie. She was truly special and I always adored the pictures. It is great that your Mom is there with you. Sending you so many positive thoughts that you can harness Sullie’s soul, as it is clearly Finn (and Zoey!) already are <3
Hi Jen,
I never comment but wanted to share how much I’ve thought of you and your loss this week. I was watching The Secret Life of Pets 2 this week with my twins and I think when you’re ready, it would bring a happy smile to your face. It reminds me of how you speak of Finn’s relationship with Zoey and Sullie. I think it could bring some happy tears to your heart:)
So sorry about Sullie! We are very close to going thru the same thing with our dog and she was my husband’s best friend during his divorce 10 years ago so I know it will be excruciating for him.
Re: bug bites. I always wipe a scented wet wipe (baby kind) on both my baby’s and my arms and legs before a run and we’ve never been bitten.
Look at him go! Life is bittersweet, isn’t it?
Wishing you peace xo
Sending lots of love and prayers your way. I hope you have an amazing birthday weekend. Thanks for sharing. I always hate hearing it but everything does get easier with time. God be with you.
-Kate
https://daysofkate.com/
I was so sorry to see your loss. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me.
I have been reading your blog for awhile due to recipes and lifestyle content.
I just wanted to say, I’m so sorry for horrible loss. I’m a dog mom 3x over. I do not have children. They are your children, so to read about Sullies death was heartbreaking. You were a wonderful mother, and family to him in life and death. I wish you prayers and healing. Take care of yourself and know you did whatever it took to provide a great home to him. You are a generous soul to share your life and loss with this world.
I am so sorry for the loss and grief that you, Finn, Zoey, and everyone else who loved Sullie are going through. The only negative about pets is that they are with us for much too short of a time. I’m a dog mom who has been through the loss of a pup before and my heart is breaking for you. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. You gave Sullie such a wonderful life and I know she felt your love. Take care of yourselves and wishing all of you peace and healing during this difficult time.
Sending love and prayers your way. Losing our two old dogs a year apart was heart breaking. They were our first babies and brought so much joy to our lives. The first few weeks are long but it gets easier. We often find Sloane and Henry in the back yard throwing tennis balls towards the sky hoping to see a paw or two reach down from Heaven. The idea we’ll see our best buddies again is comforting. And the guilt gets better. I promise. You have been an amazing mom to the furry ones and the not so furry one. Hang in there!
I’m so very sorry. We went through this with our lab 2 years ago. As much as it hurts it does get better. I remember calling her absentmindedly after she passed and just wanting to go curl up somewhere. Lifting you up in prayer.
Jen, my heart is still breaking for you! I’m so glad that your Mom is there…perfect timing! Hugs and prayers to you and your family! Happy Birthday Jen! Remember Sullie will always be around you, but up in heaven, watching over you and your family!
so much love, strength, thoughts, and prayers to you Jen. you really have opened this space (more than once) to allow us to relate to you and a safe space to share our griefs as well. you are truly strong and incredible, and i bet a really excellent friend to have! huge virtual hug my dear!
and yay on the first steps 🙂