Sitting down to write Finn’s birth story is a very emotional experience for me. I have tears in my eyes even typing these first words of the post. In short, it went nothing like I expected and that’s something I’m working to process every day in hopes that I can move through and let go. I’m doing my best to stay in a place of gratitude that I was able to deliver and bring home a perfectly healthy baby boy and that I had a seriously amazing care team.
I don’t want to drag this out and break it into multiple posts so settle in and get ready for a long read.
WATER BREAKING + GOING TO THE HOSPITAL
My water broke around 10:45 p.m. on Thursday, May 17. I had just gotten in bed to read and was about five pages into my book when I felt a pop inside of me. I knew through other birth stories that the pop was a sign of water breaking so I bolted out of bed and onto the toilet. I peed first and then felt a big warm gush that was undeniably my water.
Since Finn was late, I knew to check my fluid for meconium (this means the baby has its first bowel movement inside of you and is common in late babies). When I looked down into the toilet I saw bits of brown floating so I knew I was likely dealing with meconium.
As I was sitting on the toilet I started to violently shake. I don’t know if it was a hormonal rush or just me freaking out that this was finally happening for real. I got myself up and woke up Tanner and then went into the guest room to let my mom know that something was happening. I also texted my doula to let her know that I was going into labor on my own. I told all of them I was going to try to get back in bed and relax and rest. My doula had recommended REST, REST, REST at the onset of labor if possible and since we had just gotten in bed and no one had slept yet, I knew we all needed it.
Well, that lasted all of a few minutes and it became clear that baby had other plans. I immediately started having painful contractions and they were coming close together. Also, something no one tells you is that your water doesn’t just break and you are done with that…it keeps leaking out of you when you have contractions. It was a mess!
I got up again and told my mom that I was calling my doctor’s office. I talked to the on call nurse and told her what was going on (water breaking with meconium and close contractions) and she told me to head to the hospital immediately and to be there within an hour. My plan all along had been to labor at home for as long as possible before heading to the hospital but I didn’t even get a chance to do that because my contractions were so close together.
We all scrambled to get dressed and to get everything together. At this point I was still able to get around pretty well even through the contractions were picking up in intensity. I got dressed and put a big pad on to catch the leaking fluid on the way to the hospital.
The craziest thing happened…Tanner loaded his car with ALL of our hospital stuff and the car LOCKED ITSELF while we were standing outside of it with all of our bags in it! This is never supposed to happen in keyless start vehicles! Luckily, my mom had a rental car so I hopped in the car with her and Tanner stayed behind to call a locksmith. I just had to totally let that go in the moment…the hospital bag was the last thing I was worried about.
ARRIVING AT THE HOSPITAL AND TRIAGE
Luckily, we only live about 15 minutes from the hospital so we arrived quickly. I think it was just before midnight. I had several contractions in the car and they were really uncomfortable. My mom was able to snag one of the “women in labor” spots (they’re usually all full) and we were up in labor and delivery and checked in within minutes.
I had to take all of my clothes off and put on hospital underwear, pads and a gown. On the way to triage the nurse told me that “we’re really busy tonight” so that didn’t exactly bolster my spirits about getting into a room. I got checked while I was in triage and they said that I was at a 4. I also had a fever of just over 100 (due to the meconium) so they were definitely admitting me. My contractions REALLY started to pick up in triage and were becoming increasingly painful. I joked on Instagram that I was only smiling because I was between contractions and that this was the last anyone would hear from me.
ARRIVING IN MY LABOR & DELIVERY ROOM + LABORING NATURALLY
I think it was around 1:30 or 2 a.m. when I got into a room. At this time my doula could join us and Tanner had been back from getting into the car for a while. (It took the locksmith an hour to “break in!”)
My doula encouraged me to change out of the hospital gown and to wear my own clothes. I was comfortable in just a tank top. I was SO hot while I was laboring. For the first 20-30 minutes I was in my room, they made me labor in the bed while they monitored the baby…it was TERRIBLE. Once I was able to get off the monitors and move around the room things were a little better. I stood on a giant pad (fluid leakage) in front of this chair for quite a while and when a contraction would hit I would hold the sides of the chair and sway and moan. My doula encouraged me to soften my knees and my jaw and to relax through the contractions. She had me turn on my birth playlist, and I was glad that I had made it super chill and relaxed.
I also tried laboring in the shower but that didn’t last long because they needed to put the baby on the monitor again.
I will be 100% honest when I share that I was not coping well. My contractions were coming really fast and were so intense. Sometimes it felt like they lasted 90 seconds to 2 minutes and I would just look at my doula and ask, “why are they lasting so long, this is terrible.”
I have never in my life felt pain so intense and after a few hours of it, I started to feel completely out of my body. In between contractions it was like everything that was happening in the room was far away…people talking, nurses coming in and out, etc. I was so out of it.
My doula suggested that I hang on Tanner through contractions and this was one of the most effective coping strategies that I found.
At around 6:30 a.m. I was physically and emotionally done. I was terrified and felt so out of control. The pain was just relentless and too much. The doctor came in to check me again and said that I was still at a 4, maybe a 5. Everyone told me that I was doing great but at that point I knew I was going to ask for an epidural. In my mind I couldn’t even fathom continuing like this for another 5 or more hours.
I also had to get back in the bed to be monitored and lie on my side because the baby started to have some decels in his heart rate. I was so freaked out by everything and my mom was an amazing comfort for me.
Once I made the decision to get the epidural, the team was so quick. The anesthesiologist was in my room within 15 minutes and he had the epidural in within 10 minutes. My night nurse Lauren was absolutely incredible and held me throughout the epidural insertion. Getting the epidural felt like nothing after the pain that I had been experiencing for hours.
LABORING WITH THE EPIDURAL AND BABY IN STRESS
Around the time that I received the epidural, my care team also changed. My nurses changed over and the next doctor on call for my practice came on rotation. Luckily, the doctor who was on call was the one who saw me when I came into triage at 27 weeks so it was nice to have a familiar face versus someone I didn’t know.
I was also checked again during this time and told by multiple nurses that I was only at a 1. How that was possible after being told that I was at a 4 that could be stretched to a 5 totally blew my mind and made me feel so defeated.
The baby continued to be in stress after the epidural was inserted and I was put on oxygen and my care team had me try tons of different positions to try and take the stress off the baby. My nurses, Mandy and Amy…who were angels…I was so lucky to have them, and my doctor were in my room for probably an hour and a half watching the contraction and heart rate strips and trying to get the baby stable. My doctor told me that there was a chance of a c-section but they were doing everything they could to give me the vaginal delivery that I desperately wanted to have.
We finally found that he was happiest when I was sitting straight up and I stayed there for hours. They also inserted fluid BACK into my uterus (how crazy is that?) to try to “float the cord” to help out the baby. At some point, I can’t even remember when, I also had internal monitoring put in for the baby’s heart rate and for my contractions.
I felt hopeful that things were turning around because I was quickly back to a 5. I still don’t know what was up with that whole situation.
My spirits were lifted and I felt like things were headed in a more positive direction. My doula encouraged me to put on some more upbeat music, bring Dorie back into the room (she had come in to say hi and my doula was like, “you need more of THAT energy in here”) and to lighten up the mood. A stuffed animal that I’ve had since childhood was also brought out, which brought me a lot of comfort. It was around 11:30 a.m. at this point.
Right after this my doctor came over from the office. He wasn’t on call that day but had been keeping tabs on my labor. He was so wonderful to me throughout my entire pregnancy and I was so grateful that he was invested in my labor and delivery even when he wasn’t on call.
I asked my nurses if I could take the oxygen off and they said we could try it. My doula encouraged me to try and get rest since we had all been up all night long.
Baby was not a fan of me being off oxygen so I had to put it back on and kept resting. I had made it to a 6 that could be stretched to a 7 and then a 7 that could be stretched to an 8. Everyone felt positive about the progress that I was making on my own.
A couple of hours later I started feeling really flushed, panicky and emotional. I started crying and felt so unsettled and scared. The nurses said they were going to check me and I was up to a full 8. I guess I was in the process of going through transition and my hormones were in overdrive.
The nurses and doctors had been mostly out of my room from late morning to early afternoon, which they told me was a good sign. So when they all came back in later and had me start changing positions again, I knew that it wasn’t a great sign. They told me that I was still at an 8 and the baby was experiencing decelerations in his heart rate again. They said if they could get him stable they were willing to try the smallest dose of pitocin to see if it could get me to a 10 but warned that the baby might not tolerate it.
They must have started the pitocin around 3:45-4 p.m. and within 10 minutes I had a roomful of people and the nurses were ordering me into different positions. They had me try lying on both sides and then belly down like in child’s pose and nothing was helping the baby. His heart rate was dropping to 65 bpm when 140 was his baseline. Some amount of decel is normal with contractions but I was in beyond the scope of normal and into a zone where baby could experience major complications from how low his heart rate was.
My nurse Amy looked at me and said “everything is going to happen really fast and there are going to be a lot of people in the room but you’re going to be okay.” My doctor said they had to proceed immediately with an emergent c-section and before I knew it was was signing a consent form with the shakiest hands ever and my tank top was being cut off of me. I looked at Amy in the eyes and said, “are you coming with me?” and she reassured me that she would be right there. Within 2 minutes I was being rolled out of the room and down the hall into OR 3. Everything felt like a bad dream. I was absolutely terrified.
EMERGENCY C-SECTION
While I was being wheeled down the hall someone told me that Dr. Danner (my OB) was on the way to the hospital and was going to be performing my surgery with the doctor on call from the practice. That brought me relief because I had established so much trust with him over the course of my pregnancy.
I have never had surgery other than a small eye surgery when I was 5 and having my wisdom teeth out when I was 18 so being wheeled into that OR was so scary. The anesthesiologists were so attentive in making sure my epidural was working correctly (I was SO glad I had it at this point so that I didn’t have to be put under for the surgery) and they dialed it up so that I couldn’t feel anything. It was the weirdest feeling because even with the epidural I had been able to move my legs when I was laboring. My legs were strapped down to the table and my arms were stretched out into a T-shape. I was shaking violently but they reassured me that it was very normal.
They hung the drape and I heard Dr. Danner’s voice that we were going to have this baby and was so happy to hear his voice. They started the surgery and a couple minutes later they let Tanner come into the room. The nurse anesthetist kept asking how I was doing and I told her that I was so nauseous. While I couldn’t feel anything, there were so many sensations and feelings of pressure, tugging and pulling. They kept pushing Zofran through my IV and who knows what else. I felt a tremendous pressure on my chest Dr. Danner said something like, “it’s going to feel like I’m sitting on your chest.” I can’t even explain what that felt like but in the next moment Finn was born. I heard him cry and I started sobbing and saying “my baby.” I couldn’t believe how fast they had him out.
Sadly, due to the emergent nature of my c-section, I wasn’t able to do immediate skin-to-skin with Finn because he had to go straight to the neonatal team to be checked out. We were also unable to do delayed cord clamping or letting dad cut the cord.
It took 3-4 minutes for me to be able to see Finn for the first time and I was so upset that I was barely able to look at him or touch him because I was so nauseous on the table while they finished my surgery.
I think it took another 15-20 minutes to complete the surgery and get me all sewed up. During this time I mostly just laid there with my eyes closed trying not to get sick. The lights were so bright and it felt surreal that I had just had a c-section. I hated that I couldn’t hold Finn or even look at him.
Dr. Danner assured me that the surgery went well, they had “double sewed my uterus” and that my incision was very small and would heal well. He said the cord had been wrapped around Finn’s neck and that he was also posterior or sunny side up.
RECOVERY ROOM
They transferred me off the operating table and onto a bed and wheeled me to recovery. It took 15-20 minutes in recovery but I finally felt okay enough to hold Finn and we got to do skin-to-skin. And when I did, I stopped shaking. It was a great feeling.
What was NOT a great feeling was the heaviness/numbness in my feet/legs/hips/butt. It was so disconcerting and I desperately wanted to be able to move them again. It was wonderful when I started feeling tingling and finally got sensation/feeling. I was also CRAZY thirsty. Like my mouth has never been so dry in my whole entire life. This was weird to me because I had received so much fluid throughout the course of the day (it had to be 8-10 bags).
The nurses told me I couldn’t have ice chips until I could move my legs but I begged them just to bring me a cup of water that I could swish my mouth out with and promised I spit it in an empty cup. They did and it was amazing. I finally got my ice chips and ice has never tasted so good.
I have so much to say about my time in the hospital and recovering from a c-section but I’m going to save that for another post.
WRAPPING IT UP
Nothing about Finn’s birth went as planned. I was hoping to have an epidural-free birth and to minimize interventions. In all the craziness of everything I left my birth plan at home and it was crazy to pick it up and look over it when I got home.
Earlier on the day on Thursday I was talking to my old OBGYN who I have a really good relationship with (she’s not practicing OB anymore) and she encouraged me to go into the whole experience with an open mind. She said “You’re going to go in pregnant and walk out with a baby. Trust your doctors.”
I truly believe that my care team did everything that they could to give me a vaginal birth. They let me labor for 16 hours before proceeding with a c-section and the c-section wasn’t optional when we reached that point. They tried everything in their power to keep him happy. There was meconium in the water, I was running fevers on and off all day, the cord was wrapped around his neck and he was sunny side up. All of this together with my waters breaking early made for a stressful environment for Finn as he was trying to make his way out into the world.
I still can’t look at the photos in this post or talk about Finn’s birth without crying. It was the craziest, most emotional and hardest day of my whole life. Part of me wishes I could go back and have a do-over and I sometimes question if I had elected for an earlier induction if things might have been different but I’m really trying not to play the “what if” game. At the end of the day, this was how he was meant to be born and it’s our story.
THANK YOU
Thank you so much for reading and for all the love and support that you’ve shown me. I’m so grateful that baby Finn is here, healthy and that I’m his mom.
Jen, I am so sorry you went through this. I had a very similar experience 9 months ago with my son.
I want to provide words of encouragement, but I know that I was (and am) feeling similar things about the experience, and sometimes yuh just need someone to say, “I know. It’s ok to feel that way.” The feeling of failure and wanting a do-over are so relatable. I wish I could give you a hug.
I waited nearly 9 months to see a therapist to talk through my experience and my lingering regrets and sadness. I know you see a therapist already, and I hope they are able to help you get through this.
I try to remind myself everyday that I’m so lucky to have had access to such incredible medical care, and that my son is healthy and happy. Every time you look at him, remember that you grew and nourished him wonderfully for 40+ weeks and that in itself is a testament to your strength and power as a mother.
Sending so much love.
Congratulations Jen! He looks perfect. I just wanted to second what Tanya said. I had a similar experience with my 1 year old and I still think back to what I could’ve done differently. I was so confident I wouldn’t need an epidural and having a c-section never even crossed my mind!! I find I am more nervous for next time now just because I know what can go wrong… in a way, ignorance is bliss. But truly, having a healthy baby is the most important thing and we are so lucky with our doctors and nurses in North America.
Congrats mama! He’s a beautiful and healthy baby boy! Do not beat yourself up over the birth or how things went. Go back to the title of your post, this is Finn’s birth story. You were there to do everything you could to get him here healthy and safely, but the way things went was out of your control. Babies determine how they come into the world, not the mamas. Telling myself this has helped me be ok with needing an epidural during my delivery 8 months ago. I was upset that the pain was too much for me. But to this day, no one has asked me if I had an epidural unless I offered that information. That is your business, no one else’s. So enjoy your baby boy, let yourself be sad that things didn’t go the way you wanted, but get used to it. That baby boy will grow and learn and do what he wants. And again, your job is to keep him healthy, safe, and loved. I’ve learned in the last 8 months to do what I can, love my little girl completely, and then let her be the little human she is. And that has made it much easier on me. Congrats again. Enjoy every little moment.
Congratulations!!! He’s beautiful, and you deserve SO much credit for that birthing process. My experience wasn’t nearly as intense, but my son also had the cord around his neck and was having decels. All of the sudden, an entire team was in the room I was given one last opportunity to push before they would take me for an emergency C-section. Fortunately, I was able to deliver him at that point, but I remember how devastating it was to think I would need a C-section after all that laboring – not to mention the fear that my baby was in danger. I may have mentioned it in a prior comment, but I also was SO glad I decided to get an epidural for the same reason you were. Your OB’s advice was so true – there is a lot about labor and delivery that is out of our control, and the only goal should be to deliver a healthy baby. Congratulations again on your beautiful little boy – he’s lucky to have such a strong momma!
Wow, what a read. Thanks for being so open.
Sorry to hear you didn’t have the best experience. Sending lots of love to you and Finn!
Congrats on baby Finn! When you posted the first picture of Finn, I recognized the sensor pads on your shoulders and the recovery room, so I thought a c-section may have happened. I had an emergency c-section at the same hospital in October. I got stuck at an 8 and my cervix was getting thicker. Turns out, my baby had a very large head and was sunny side up – he simply got stuck. I still have trouble listening to my friends tell their stories of their labor and deliveries. Of course, I’m so happy that their labor and deliveries went as planned, but the emotions of not being able to hold my baby right away and having a c-section after a long, painful labor is still so raw. This post was so comforting to me – thank you for sharing! Wishing you the best in your recovery and new life with Finn!
Wow, GOOD job girl! You are strong. And that baby is truly beautiful. Congrats.
Wow– I’m teary eyed as I write this. Thank you so much for sharing, Jen. I so appreciate your honestly and rawness. What a beautiful gift Finn is. Praying for your healing and first few weeks as a Mom!
Girl, reading this just makes me shaky and emotional thinking about all you went through, and just want to give you a huge hug and tell you what a wonderful job you did bringing that beautiful baby into the world. There’s honestly nothing you did or could’ve done and anything can happen during birth. You did an amazing thing carrying him and bringing him into the world and a truly incredible thing being his mama now. Hug and go easy on yourself when you feel able (and sometimes the 2-3 weeks post -birth when your hormones nosedive and you cry at the drop of a hat is not that time, and that’s ok).
He’s a gorgeous baby and your IG stories are truly igniting baby fever over here (despite the thought of #3 giving me anxiety, lol).
Much love and hugs to you.
Congratulations! I’m so glad that someone said to go in with an open mind because you’ll walk in pregnant and out with a baby. It’s so true. Neither of my girls came as planned and that was a struggle for a long time. I can look back now and see that my doctors did the best they could and because of it, I have two girls.
I will say, I could not look at your pictures. I’m at work and the minute I got to the first one I started crying. Your pictures took me back to my own births and wow. Absolutely, 100% beautiful.
You did great, Jen. You really did. From start to finish you were and are a warrior. Now you’re a warrior Mom. 🙂
Hi Jen, Congratulations on Finn! I have been reading your blog for years and loved following your pregnancy because it felt like a mirror of my journey. I delivered my baby boy a few days before you (May 15) in almost an identical manner so I completely understand every feeling you’re having. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences because it has helped me feel so much less alone in all this. I hope each day continues to get better and your little one is so beautiful!
oh gosh you have me in tears. I’m so very proud of you! I have a feeling you will never be able to not tear up from your birth story – I still tear up about mine. I think it’s a mom thing 🙂 The one thing I always recall so well is that my labor/delivery was NOTHING like what I saw on tv or what people say or how I planned. It truly was an outer body experience (like you said) I try not to tell people much because we all have different experiences and I never want to overwhelm but it is scary and so painful and so difficult and so out of our control. You did amazing and have a healthy baby! Side note: I asked for my epidural to be given to me before I even got to my room lol – no way I was trying to be a hero on the pain or all natural or whatever (just to make you feel better on that – it’s totally okay if you ask me). Wishing you and baby and family the best always. xoxoxox
I have been reading your blog for years. I am so incredibly proud of the way you birthed your sweet babe, Finn.
I am a doula. It takes a huge amount of strength to let go and let your baby steer the ship. You did it with grace and a radiant smile. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that it didn’t go as you wanted but glad you had a good team. May you get lots of rest and sweet baby cuddles over these next weeks.
I am not a doula, but I 100% agree that this was a courageous parenting moment for you – surrendering your own wants in the face of your child’s needs. It’s okay to simultaneously mourn for the experience you wanted and be overjoyed with the result (he’s here!).
Ditto to what Courtney said above- it IS OK to mourn what you expected as long as you can rejoice in the baby you have in your arms. I said the same thing to my sister after she gave birth to a baby girl with Down Syndrome. It was completely unexpected, and my sister definitely went through a mourning period. Now two years later we couldn’t imagine life without that sweet baby girl. From my own experience of having a scheduled c section (breech presentation) after two all natural births, it took me nearly a year to get over the loss of the birth I wanted. In the end, I was truly able to believe what they all say: a healthy baby is all that matters.
First off, you are a rockstar!! Think about what you and your body just went through. You carried that baby boy for over 40 weeks and you spent so much time bringing him into this world. Don’t you dare regret or think you need a “do over”. You did exactly what you needed to do to have that baby boy and I am so proud of you and so so happy for you!! Congratulations!! It’s funny because I have three children and every birth experience was so different. I always tell friends that are having babies to not have it planned out perfectly because delivery is never perfect and it never goes according to a plan. It’s one of those things that you cannot control- it’s impossible! :). I hope you enjoy every emotional and sleepless 🙂 moment of this journey that you are on. Believe me, you blink and they are in high school, dating boys and talking about college :(. Thanks for sharing your story! Now, go tell yourself you’re a rockstar and get a good nap 🙂
It’s crazy HOW unique each birth story is. I’m glad you ditched the birth planned and just went with what was best for him. I ended up needing an emerg c-section too with my daughter after 18 hours of natural labour. It was tough to accept but there was NO way she was coming out the other way – she was a “brow show” which means the widest part of her head was trying to squeeze out down there aka not likely. I’m just happy she arrived safely and healthy – and she’s now 5.5 and motherhood is magical (well, most days ;)! Thanks for sharing your story with us! XO
I am not a mom and I cried all the way through this. Sounds like a hellish combination of emotional, mental, and physical stress. So glad you rolled with the punches so graciously and SO HAPPY he made it into this world safely!
Aren’t nurses AMAZING?! I believe they make all the difference in feeling comforted during times of stress. YOU are amazing as well. No one doubts you did all you could do, and playing the “what if” game does you no good. It is definitely OK to have those emotional feelings. Have them, but don’t let those feelings take over your love for your son. He is beautiful, and you and a great support team with you. You are one strong mama.
I cried so much reading this story. Never been pregnant but can totally relate to how you felt during those labor hours. I actually think I would’ve reacted the same way. And even though Finn’s birth story wasn’t what you planned for, at the end of the day everything went well and you’re holding a healthy beautiful baby.
Congrats on your beautiful baby. May God bless you both <3
I personally can't wait to be a mom.
My baby was in the same situation as Finn- sunny side up and decreased heart rate. I raised my hand for an epidural pretty quickly after entering the hospital and after 26 hours raised my hand again for a c-section. No shame girl. My little boy is healthy and happy. I recovered quickly from the c-section and honestly have no regrets.
Thank you for taking us on this journey with you. I was shaking and crying the whole time I was reading. I agree your team did an awesome job trying everything and I’m so glad he arrived safely. Xoxo
Congratulations! You have a beautiful baby boy that you worked SO hard to bring into this world! I also had a labor that was the exact opposite of what I wanted. It’s very hard to reconcile, and I did so much second guessing. My only words of advice for you are you should celebrate this birth! You did so well, and fought through such tough conditions. Great job, warrior Mama!! You did a perfect job for your baby! <3
Congratulations Jen! I have been eagerly awaiting the birth story. Having a c-section doesn’t make this an any less exciting or beautiful birth story! Women today are so conditioned to want this idealized birth. But the reality is that birthing babies was a dangerous and deadly endeavor a couple of centuries ago – or even 100 years ago – and it just doesn’t go smoothly without intervention for all women today. And thank goodness we have that modern medicine for those times when there are complications. The important thing is that you have a beautiful baby! xo
Jen, Finn is beautiful and healthy. How he came into the world doesn’t matter. Doesn’t change anything. You are an amazing woman and mother. Never forget that. Sending you love ❤️
Congratulations. Thank you for sharing your beautiful and courageous (I’m currently fighting back happy tears for you).
Your final sentiment, “At the end of the day, this was how he was meant to be born and it’s our story.” is beautiful and very true. <3
Good luck with these next few weeks of 24-7 loving. He (and you) will sleep again 🙂
-Mother of a nearly 6 month old 🙂
You just have whatever feelings you need to have. Hormones are real and you are perfectly justified to feel about it however you need to feel. Finn is perfect and you go on from here!
Congratulations, Mama! Finn is beautiful and healthy and you made it through! Honestly, I cried while reading this post because it brought up so many memories and emotions for me. I had a very similar birth experience with my first (he’s now 4) and also went into it determined to have a natural birth. I was distraught when they told me I would have to have a c section after 4 hrs of pushing, but he was sunny side up and just wouldn’t budge. I feel like there’s this notion that natural birth is superior to other deliveries, but in the end it really doesn’t matter. It’s just one moment in you and your child’s life. There’s so much about the process of pregnancy and giving birth that’s totally out of our control and I’m sure you’ll find that only continues as a parent 🙂
As a side note, I delivered my 2nd baby boy 5 weeks ago by scheduled repeat c section. I considered a vbac, but in the end knew there was a strong chance things would turn out the same as before. It was the right decision and for me a really positive, calm experience the second time around (as wonderful as major surgery can be!).
Good luck with your recovery and I highly recommend seeing a PT for scar massage to prevent adhesions once it’s healed up! Also, the Bellefit binder is great for supporting the scar site – I know how much it hurts to laugh and cough – but this really helps in the first couple of weeks!
I’m glad everything worked out. It’s definitely always different than you expected. Take it from someone who had a totally natural, no drug delivery the first time to an emergency, general anesthesia surgery the second time. Both wonderful because I came home with a bright, adorable, wonderful new human who I will love and will love me beyond a lifetime. ❤️
You are beyond amazing. Thank you so much for sharing. <3
Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your story. I also had similar birth plans as you, that ended (after 3 days of labor and 2 hours of pushing) with an emergency c-section. I think in the end for me what was really important and empowering to me what how I was treated by everyone (wonderfully) during the process, and it sounds like you had a similar experience. Nurses, doctors, partners, and doulas are amazing! Personally I was so “over” with labor by the time I was rushed into surgery I had completely surrendered and was ecstatic that my baby was actually, really, for sure going to come out. My sister had a similar experience but she did not feel good at all about the c-section, and it took some time for her to come to terms with it. Every birth story is different, and you have your own special story now!
I’m getting chills as I read this because it’s almost exactly how the birth of my second baby went almost 11 months ago. My first was an easy, intervention-free vaginal delivery, and my second was almost exactly as you described, down to the nausea, fever, and shakes.
Don’t get yourself down – you have a beautiful, healthy baby boy, and one day you’re going to look back on the experience and laugh as you tell the story of how he came into the world when he’s 18. I was just trying on swimsuits the other day, looked at my scar, and thought to myself – I would literally give up having an arm or a leg if it meant I get this beautiful child in my life, a scar is nothing. <3 <3 much love to you and your sweet one.
It will get better, but it will always hurt to think about. You just think about it less and less as your child gets older. The way they were born becomes of little importance to the kind of person they become.
My daughter was born 13 days past her due date. I was induced and labored for 24 hours before an emergency c/s. She was a very healthy 10 lbs 1 oz. Part of me is glad I didn’t put my vagina through that (ha!)….but I sometimes feel I was robbed of the surprise element of going into labor, and sometimes I don’t understand why my body didn’t know what to do.
She turns 8 tomorrow, and we now have a mountain of happy memories that eclipse her birth story. Hang in there and enjoy your healthy baby.
Oh my. I relate to this so much. My first pregnancy resulted in a premature crash c-section that I was not conscious for. My second landed in the NICU with a respiratory infection for nearly a week. There were times when I thought I’d never get over those experiences and would always feel robbed, and I’m sure everyone is different, but that hasn’t been the case at all. For me, the more I got to know my babies and watch them meet milestones and make memories, the less important the pregnancy and delivery seemed. This 3x c-section mom wishes you a very speedy recovery and great bonding time with your sweet babe!
I read your story while rocking my now 3 month old and it brought me back to her traumatic delivery. Ours ended up being no epidural and vaginal however in retrospect I can’t help but think that an epidural / c section would have been a better option. You are not alone in wanting a do-over!
Not sure if this has been suggested yet but the To birth and beyond podcast is wonderful and does have some great discussions on recovery, specifically c section.
Thanks for being so open and sharing your experiences, I know it will help many soon to be and new moms..
Oh my gosh! This brought tears to my eyes as i has a similar experience 6 months ago with my first delivery. However, my water never broke and i was contracting close and intense and wasn’t dialating. Her heart rate was dropping and after 3 hours in the hospital they performed an emergency c-section and had to put me under. It was the scariest, out of body experience ever! I can’t think my hospital team enough for the close hands on. It was nothing i had planned but in the end i have to think the good lord above for getting her in this world safely and healthy! As new moms we put this un planned stress of how things will be and when it’s not we have overwhelming emotions and feelings! Its ok to feel everything you are feeling and it will get better! Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy and both of ya’ll’s health! Enjoy every minute! 🙂
Congratulations! He’s perfect, in every single way.
I say this all the time, but now the real yoga begins. A lot of the time it’s not what we want, but it’s what we have. And the beauty and the challenge of seeing the perfection in that is part of our process.
Much love to you guys.
He’s beautiful, Jen! Birth plans are like writing out your perfect life timeline when you’re 13 years old. You know everything you want to happen, but when you’re living it, it’s never like you planned. At least not for most of us, myself included. I was hoping to have a vaginal birth as well, and was told I had to have a C because she was breech and too big to flip. I mourned for a few days, but I got a beautiful baby out of it and I love my “battle wound” scar. I hope you can stay in a place of gratitude and focus on the good. Big hugs to you!
Finn, you are so loved by so many!! You have the best mom who did everything she could to give you a sae arrival earthside — and here you are!!
(Jen, you are a wonderful and amazing mother. Blessed to know you!)
*safe
Congratulations! I have almost the exact same birth story for my first son, Cooper. I went into labor on my own but as I was laboring his heart rate dropped and I had to do alot of rolling and turning until they frantically whisked me away, had my husband unplug my hospital bed, and threw consent forms at me. I wasn’t even awake for the c-section because it had to happen so fast. It was a very scary situation but he was happy and healthy and is now almost 4! I had another c-section (planned) last August and it was a MUCH better experience. Best of luck on your adorable boy:) Can’t wait to watch him grow and you grow as a mommy!
Hi Jen, I want to say congratulations. I know your heart is filled with joy and gratitude that you have a healthy baby boy. I have followed your pregnancy on your blog and loved that you continued working out, taking care of yourself when your baby was growing inside you. That helped you stay so strong during labor and will help you with recovery! I have just shy of 3 year old boy, Austin, who’s birth story was horrific, traumatizing, all the things. I went into labor at 35 weeks. I thought I was having Braxton hicks all day while at work (because I had had the easiest pregnancy ever) but turns out I was in labor. My husband and I went to triage that evening and I was 6 cm! I wont go into detail but while laboring, pushing my son went into distress and went without a lack of oxygen for some time. All of the sudden the OR team rushed in and informed me that I was having an emergency c section…In the OR my epidural started to wear off so I did have to be put under. I just remember waking up in recovery and thinking what.the.heck.just.happened??
My son had to be in NICU for the first 3.5 weeks of his life and had to go through a special treatment to stay alive and recover. I didn’t get all those first that a lot of moms get when they have a baby.
But thank you to the Lord above, Austin is a healthy happy boy! you would never know anything because he is a miracle child and God healed him
My husband and I still struggle sometimes when thinking back and considering trying for baby #2. Those what ifs…but you cant live life like that.
Thankful that your team was amazing and took good care of you and your baby. Enjoy this time (even though it will exhausting) because it goes by so quickly.
xoxo
I’m so emotional for you, Jen, you had me in tears. Insane hormones and zero control is enough to do anyone in – whatever emotions you have about this are totally justified. I am so glad that both of you are on the other side, that you had such a wonderful medical team, and that you and your mom chose for her to come up when she did! Sending all the best wishes for a thorough recovery (body and mind!) – you deserve as much care and nurturing as that sweet little babe.
My delivery with my son was a lot like yours. I was not prepared at all for a c-section, but he was sunny side up and stuck. He wasn’t necessarily in stress, but I had been pushing for 3 hours and he wasn’t coming out that way. I was also induced a week early – and like you with waiting for natural labor – ask myself what would have happened if I hadn’t been induced. It’s totally normal to be an emotional mess over it (I was!), but you’ll eventually be able to think and talk about it without the tears.
This made ME super emotional, so I can only imagine what you felt like. You will be so grateful to have this documented, I’m sure. You are so strong, and this is such a great account of how strong all women are. Thanks for sharing, and CONGRATS, mama!
Thank you so, so much for sharing your story. It was hard to get through it with all the tears in my eyes! You are going to be an incredible mother, Finn is so lucky to have such a strong and resilient mom! as someone who doesn’t have kids at this point in time, it’s so comforting to hear about other’s experiences. Looking forward to following your journey <3
Congratulations Jenn, your baby is beautiful and you did all you could. There is so much that isn’t in our control. Reading this post made me tear up too because I felt your emotions so strong. You are going to be a great momma.
Jen, I had such a similar experience. I got all the way to 10 cm and started pushing. Pushed for two hours and baby could not cope- his heart rate dropped to 60bpm each time. It was exhausting and I ended up with a C section like you!
Recovery is not as fun! But four weeks out I’m doing pretty well but still a little puffy down there near my incision!
Just remember every birth is beautiful and you did an amazing job. Finn is precious.
This is one of the most honest, raw, beautiful birth stories I have ever read. I teared up reading through your journey and looking at those incredible pictures. The strength in your face, even in the ones where you are clearly scared or in pain, is FIERCE! And equally powerful is the look of love on your face as you hold your perfect Finn. You are an incredible mom and he is so lucky to have you!
You have every right to feel whatever emotions you are experiencing about your birth. Bringing a child into the world is one of the most profound things anyone will ever experience and when things do not follow the plan that you had hoped for after all of the pain and fear that you endured, it is completely understandable that it is difficult to process. I hope that you consider talking to a professional about your feelings as I’m sure that will help with some of the emotional healing. And I believe that time will help as well. It will never take away from the trauma that you experienced, but as you get further away from his birth and into the incredible, wonderful story of Finn’s life, hopefully it won’t sting as much as it once did.
Love and light to you and your sweet boy as you recover physically, mentally, and emotionally. And like someone else said, Finn’s adorable pictures are amping up my baby fever – he’s so adorable!
Thank you for the raw honesty that you express in this post. Your words brought tears to my eyes on more than one occasion – and I feel as though this is the most REAL and heartfelt birth story that I have ever read (and I’ll note that I’ve never had a baby).
Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy, Finn. He is lucky to have such an open and truly compassionate mother like you <3
Big hug!
Thank you so much for sharing your story about (adorable) Finn’s birth. I know it had to have been difficult to type it out and relive those scary moments. I have a very very similar birth story to yours (overdue 41+3, induction scheduled, went into labor on my own, labor for 32 hours, emergency-c, baby in distress, low APGAR, etc.) and reading this brings tears to my eyes still at 10 months postpartum, but it also gives me a sense of solidarity that I didn’t have immediately following my daughter’s birth. So thank you. You are going to feel a thousand emotions in these next few weeks and months and just let yourself feel them. I promise you it gets better and easier if you find the support you need to process it. I’m so happy your ending is a happy one and you have the most gorgeous little boy as a reward. <3
Congratulations on your beautiful son! I’m sorry his birth didn’t unfold as you’d hoped. I can relate, as my oldest was born via emergency c-section after my water breaking and 14 hours of unproductive labor. He had a nuchal chord and wasn’t going anywhere. I (sort of) remember those unsettling feelings from the early days after his birth — so much joy at having my healthy baby in my arms at last, some lingering sadness that I didn’t have the “perfect” birth experience with him, feeling disappointed in myself and revisiting every minute of the last few days of pregnancy wondering if anything I did or didn’t do could have produced a different outcome. You absolutely need to embrace and process all of those intense emotions. But please know that they will fade if not disappear altogether, and they’ll be overtaken by much, much stronger feelings–of pride, of wonder, of frustration, and the most intense, consuming love. My son is almost 14 now and as tall as I am. He’s about to start 8th grade. He’s a math whiz, Honor Roll student, plays center on his basketball team, loves trivia and the Panthers and telling corny jokes to his sisters and solving the Rubik’s cube. There are so many millions of feelings and experiences and memories wrapped up in the years of being his mom, and how he got here has faded SO far into the rear view mirror that I almost can’t recall those post-c-section feelings anymore. Time WILL heal the things that feel so painful right now. And FWIW, I went on to have not one but two VBACs with his sisters. 🙂
Enjoy every minute with Finn!!
Labor is such an intense, emotional thing and then the postpartum emotions are CRAZY. Give yourself time to process it and just snuggle your baby. He’s beautiful!
Oh my gosh, I’m in tears reading this. My labor and delivery didn’t go at all like I planned either, and some of the physical feelings I felt in the days after were extremely disconcerting. Eventually the feelings and angst about how it went DO go away, really fade almost to the point that you can’t even remember. Just remember to ask for help and put yourself first whenever you can. You got this and congrats on the birth of your healthy baby boy!
I pretty much teared up the entire time I was reading this. What an amazing story and you are SO STRONG! I know it’s hard because things went differently than planned but your attitude about gratitude is so wonderful and I love that you said this was “our story”. So so incredibly happy for you girl and Finn is BEAUTIFUL! Congrats Mommy!!
Thank you for sharing this! I’m crying as I’m reading this as I brings back so many memories. Things rarely go as planned, especially for your first child. I’m still dealing with the repercussions of what had to be done during the birth of my first son, and I often question if I made the right decision (episiotomy, forceps) but I constantly remind myself that I did what I thought was best for my baby at the time, and I had very little time to make those decisions. Things may never be quite the same “down there” but it’s ok because he is healthy and here. Enjoy every minute with him, although I know it’s hard at times. All my love!
What an incredibly and honest and WONDERFUL story! This is yours and Finn’s story and it is beautiful, even if it is not what you (or he, I am sure) wanted. He is here and bringing so much joy to you (and us readers!) and what your former OBGYN stated is 100% true.
I don’t have children yet (one day!) and relish the honesty in what you have written throughout your pregnancy and now Finn’s birth story. I myself was a c-section baby born at 28 weeks (!) and in an incubator for 4 months due to my very, very low birth weight. So much strength to you, mama, for getting so far labored and for your hospital team handling it beautifully. <3
First, congratulations on your beautiful baby boy!
I’m so sorry to hear your birth experience didn’t go how you had anticipated it would. My experience was similar to yours – wasn’t expecting an epidural but labor went waaay longer than I expected (including hours of excruciating pain only to be checked and told my cervix was dilated just as much if not less than it had been last time) and the baby started having decels due to cord wrapped around his neck, lots of shaking and anxiety, oxygen, etc.. I didn’t end up with a C-section but I fully understand how scary and emotional the process was and am glad to hear that you and your son are well! Remember, that’s the most important thing. In a few weeks from now, he’ll be able to smile at you and nothing else will matter 🙂
Like you and so many other women, this is my birth story with my first. Sunny side up, fetal distress, violent shaking during c-section. It’s all coming back, but my story doesn’t make me cry anymore…Pictures of my newborn do, on the other hand!!
Congratulations on bringing an amazing baby boy into this world! You went through pregnancy with such grace, and I’m sure will do the same with motherhood! None of it is easy or as expected, so Finn’s just level-setting expectations from the beginning! Take recovery VERY slow–back pain, increased bleeding…your body will let you know even if you went for a walk too soon or too long so LISTEN! Love and prayers for your new family!
Tears of joy from one mama to another. He’s here and that’s what matters. Congratulations mama!! 🙂
Congrats!! I love what your old OB said you come in pregnant and leave with a baby…even if it wasn’t the birth story you planned it is your birth story and special one, treasure is. Glad you and Finn are doing well…looking forward to hearing more from this part of your life!
I had a very similar birth experience with my first baby. I had to be induced, my baby had heart rate issues, I was hooked up to every machine possible and felt like I was not in control of the delivery at all. I felt like a failure asking for an epidural when I couldn’t handle the pain and nothing about my birth plan worked for me. My advice to you is to absolutely let go of the “what ifs” and so forth. Acknowledge the birth of Finn as it happened because that’s the way it was supposed to happen. If you choose to have another baby, don’t assume you’ll have the same experience based on this one. I went into labor on my own with my second child, on his due date. I still had an epidural but very little other interventions. It was a much different experience. Enjoy these early days. It won’t seem like it but they go by fast. That first baby of mine will be a senior in high school and that second is graduating from 8th grade tonight.
Hugs, Jen. Your birth story made me cry. I also had a very scary emergency c-section with my first pregnancy and I always refer to that day as both the best and worst day of my life. For years I felt cheated out of a “normal” delivery experience, but eventually I realized that there really is no normal when it comes to childbirth. And 9 years later (just 6 weeks ago!) I gave birth to my daughter and was lucky enough to have the perfect experience I missed out on the first time. Don’t feel guilty for feeling sad or angry about the way Finn’s birth went – you’re entitled! But over time those feelings will fade and all you’ll really recall of the day is the joy you felt (even if it was mixed with other emotions) over becoming a mom. Congratulations! And if you ever need another newborn mom to chat with at 3:00am, I’ll give you my cell number 🙂
You are so tough, mentally, physically and emotionally. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you. My birth just 7 weeks ago turned out similarly with an unplanned C section. I played the what if game (what if I didn’t get the epidural, what if I waited longer), but in the end, I got a healthy baby so that’s all I could ask for. I trusted the medical team did what they had to to keep me and baby safe. If you ever want to talk, I can completely relate and honestly am still recovering emotionally from my birth experience as well. Thank you for sharing your story! You are Finn’s mamma now! ❤️
Congratulations on that beautiful, healthy baby! I cried reading this. I cannot imagine how scary it was for you and still your outlook on everything is so amazing. Oh, and a while back when you mentioned that he was “Baby F” I just had a feeling you’d name him Finn. What a sweet name.:)
Congratulations! He is perfect! I know this isn’t how you saw the birth story happening but I had a similar experience. Was 41 weeks, labored for 36 hours before a c-section. It was not at all how I planned it. I was so sick the entire day of his birth from the epidural meds and couldn’t stop vomiting. I don’t remember much of that day honestly. While that makes me sad, I have the happiest and sweetest 2 year old boy now. We successfully breastfed for over 2 years despite the rough start. All this to say, while it’s hard to wrap your head around, it’s your unique story and you are both healthy so try not to dwell on how it went wrong and think about the one right thing that matters most-your healthy, living baby boy! Congrats again!
Thank you for sharing your story! I’m so proud and happy for you! I think this is the first of many parenting lessons: things aren’t going to go as planned.
I want to share one of my favorite quotes, that always helps me:
Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results. – Anonymous
Also- HOW did you write this post with a newborn!?! No easy feat I’m sure. Take it easy and snuggle that little bug. Sending you healing and comforting thoughts.
Jen, this story brought me to tears. You are such a champion and already an amazzzingggg mother. Thank you for sharing. Hope you are feeling better and better each day. <3
Congratulations on your sweet baby boy! I can totally relate to the feelings you described. I had a similar situation with my son resulting in a c section three weeks after a failed induction. It takes awhile to adjust to the disappointment and lack of control. You will get there tho! When it came time for my daughter to be born- i wanted to try a Vbac and even tho she too was a week overdue, over 9lbs and 22 hours of labor- I was able to have her vaginally. Try to be kind to yourself, rest when you can and enjoy that beautiful baby that you carried and delivered safely!
Congratulations on Finn, he is so adorable. You are an amazing an strong women. I had a very similar birth experience with my first son. I labored for 27 hours before having an emergency c-section due to him getting stuck and also being sunny side up. I know exactly how you are feeling. I too was super hopeful of having an unmediated vaginal delivery and it ended up being very traumatic for me but in the end I had a beautiful healthy baby boy. Please take all the time you need to process what you went thru and know the feelings you have and questions you think about are normal. I know people will say everything turned out ok so it doesn’t matter how your delivery went, but you still have the emotions of not having the experience you hoped for. It was quite the wild ride and it takes a lot of time to heal and process all that happened. Please be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to talk about it. I kept those feelings inside for a long time because I didn’t have many people around me who had gone thru what I did.
Take it easy these next few weeks, take all the help that is offered and please be kind to yourself.
Hugs
Hi Jen,
I’m sorry things didn’t work out the way you hoped, I had a very similar experience. I too wanted natural childbirth, my baby boy didnt want to come out had a little pitocin and had the same reaction as you while baby also had cord around neck. I mourned the loss of my ” what I wanted to happen labor” for a while. It was hard for me to move on, it helped me to think of all the positives that came with my scenario. I also gave myself some time to be sad and then move forward.
You were incredibly strong and tried as hard as you could, and ultimately you have a healthy baby boy! . Labor is so unexpected, I think this is to give us some insight into what its like moving forward with kids -ha! You and the team of doctors did great, please know this isn’t a failure on your part. This is an incredibly strong Mom doing her first of many brave things for her child! Since I can’t give you a big hug and tell you I understand here is my virtual hug.
xoxo,
Sam
Welcome to the world baby Finn! I LOVED reading his birth story, even though it wasn’t the story you were hoping for. You did great mama. Welcome to mamahood- it’s the best 🙂
Jen – you were making me cry reading this! I almost had to have a c-section too after 12.5 hours of labor, but doctor did some magic. They encouraged me early to have an epidural, as my birth nurse (AMY 🙂 ) said “this isnt labor yet!”.
anyway, you have your story. it’s yours. the world didn’t stop at your house because the birth plan didn’t work out. as they say ‘God laughs at your plans’. Enjoy your time with the baby & Tanner – cause time will FLY by. trust that truth.
Thank you for the raw and honest post. It made me cry. Reading this brought back so many memories of my oldest child’s birth except I labored about twice as long and my epidural came out of my back during transition. Good times! Luckily they were able to get another epidural in so that I could be awake for her emergency csection birth. I’ve loved reading all of the encouraging comments, but please remember this: you left the hospital healthy, and you left with a healthy baby boy. There are so many mommies that leave the hospital and cannot say that, so when you’re thinking of how you wish things could have gone differently, try to replace those thoughts with the gratitude you feel when you are holding a healthy baby in your arms. ❤️ That’s what I did, and to this day I don’t even care about the absolute disaster that her birth story was because I get to look at her beautiful face and watch her grow up. You are already an amazing mommy! So happy for you all!
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. He’s adorable and I’m glad to hear everyone is now doing well. I had an emergency c section two weeks ago so I 100% get that fear and those emotions. Mine was so fast my husband wasn’t even in the room when he was born. Good luck with recovery and stay strong momma you’re a warrior
Congratulations on sweet Finn! He is adorable.
My delivery with my first was also not at all what I envisioned! Laboring was very challenging and very painful (not at all a ‘progressive and purposeful pain’ as many had told me, and I still resent those who insisted that labor is simply ‘hard work’ because that wasn’t at all my reality). My baby, too, had constant decels, and I spent hours laying on my right side (which resulted in terrible bursitis the weeks following). I was rushed into the OR at one point for an emergency c-section, but we managed to get baby’s heart rate back to normal and it (kind of) maintained. It was in the OR, with an anesthesiologist standing right next to me, that I very happily requested an epidural. It was all just feeling like A LOT. I ended up delivery vaginally, but my baby had to go straight to the NICU where he stayed for 3 days due to an infection. Not getting that initial skin-to-skin and bonding time with baby was part of my birth experience too, and I can relate to feeling a bit cheated out of something that I really looked forward to.
I can recall some of the emotions of my delivery still two years later, but they’ve certainly faded and are mostly now just part of our story. I have always found some relief in hearing birth stories like yours as it has reinforced for me that birth experiences vary widely – it’s not only ‘low key epidurals’, ‘planned c-sections’, or ‘intense but rewarding natural births’. You are not alone in not having the birth you had hoped for/envisioned, and you are still very much an amazing, strong, impressive mama.
Thank you for sharing! Birth stories are so personal and the day is scary, magical and life-changing. I gave birth to my twins via c-section back in January and I have never been more proud of myself. Be proud and thankful for your beautiful baby boy!
Congratulations on a beautiful baby boy! It can be so hard to not have the birth experience you want but how awesome that you have a healthy baby! Modern medicine is amazing. My first delivery was scary, too, and not what I wanted. I didn’t end up with a C-section (barely!) but didn’t get to do a lot of things that were important to me. My second baby I got the birth experience I wanted (Dad cut the cord, immediate skin to skin, not terrifying when the baby was born and whisked off!) and it was so much better. But just know there are lots of women that read this and understood how hard it was for you. It’s never an easy day having a baby- but it’s such an amazing experience!
I cried reading your post and looking at the pictures. Well done Jen! Perfect birth is the one that ends up in both baby and mum healthy and surviving. That’s the only goal that matters. I’m so happy you guys made it. Take it easy and remember that feeling blue in the aftermath is completely normal. All the best, and happy birth day to Finn! xx
This brought back many memories of the birth of my son on 3/1. I also went into labor with no expectations and I am glad I did as it was totally different than what I envisioned. I had to be induced due to a blood clot so they could closely manage my labor. I wasn’t able to have an epidural since I was on blood thinners and while I intended to try to have a natural birth, it was hard to be induced and not have the option of an epidural. Ultimately I had to have an emergency c section as well as he wasn’t descending into the birth canal and his heart rate dropped. All along I wanted to avoid a c Section if at all possible so I was very emotional in the OR. But I also had my OB doing the surgery which was so comforting.
With time, the sting of not getting the birth you wanted does fade. I went on to have trouble with breast feeding and our son did not gain weight well so I had to let go of the birth experience since my focus shifted to the next challenge. I think that’s how parenting will be. You get hyper focused on one thing until you move onto the next thing to focus on.
Definitely be kind to yourself as you just went through major surgery. I’m sending you lots of love from afar. It’s so hard to process what you went through, especially with all those hormones raging through your body. I’m glad you got a healthy baby out of the process but that doesn’t offset the fact that you went through something terrifying.
Jen – thank you so much for sharing your story. I completely feel for you and understand all of the different emotions you’re feeling around your birth not going quite as planned. While every mama’s story is unique, our stories did have some similarities. My baby boy was also posterior which made for an incredibly difficult labor and delivery. I labored for 21 hours and pushed for 3. In retrospect, I am completely surprised I didn’t get a c-section. While I was reading your story, I found myself getting emotional, partly because reading about babies being born makes me so happy and partly because I’m still holding onto the emotional trauma of my son’s birth (20 months later!). The sadness, anger, etc. does subside over time, but I realize now how important it is for me to finally let it go. I’ve been playing the what-if game for far too long. I’m so glad you recognize that right away. Again, thank you for sharing your beautiful story. Baby Finn will be so loved 🙂
Congratulations on your little one – he is completely gorgeous ❤️
I just want to say thank you too for such a wonderfully honest post. I loved reading it and have read it several times already. I haven’t been pregnant yet, but we are trying for our first, so this could all be ahead of me. I really appreciated your openness and vulnerability in your writing and photos here and it was a breath of fresh air to be allowed this glimpse into such an intimate time in your life. It’s not often that bloggers are so honest, and in fact even my closest friends with babies haven’t shared as much of their labour experience with me as you did today. I found it really beautiful ❤️
Sending you all the healing wishes in your recovery and love and light in your journey into motherhood. I know you’ve got this!
Was sobbing at my desk as I read this post and not even sure why (ok, I’m 29 weeks pregnant so that may have something to do with it) – a mixture of understanding how scary it all must have been and the excitement/gratitude of delivery a healthy baby, perhaps? My hormones aside, congratulations on your sweet boy and job well done in navigating a really intense birth experience!
Wow – Congratulations! I just want to thank you so much for sharing this story, as I know it wasn’t easy. As a first time mommy-to-be, the birth part of it all scares me the most. As much as your birth plan didn’t go as expected – I took extreme comfort in hearing about every detail and seeing that it all worked out in the end. With all the Google searches in the world your story has given me the most relief – thank you for being so brave and congratulations again on such a beautiful baby boy 🙂
Jen,
Congratulations on the birth of beautiful baby Finn. Thank you for sharing it with us. I got choked up at my desk at work while reading this. The picture of you holding him is so beautiful. Good work Mama! xoxo
Reading this story and the comments here, I’m feeling emotional about belonging to this fierce tribe of women who still can’t help but continue to turn over their birth stories in the middle of the night, asking ‘what if’ again and again. I know we are strong, but that doesn’t mean that a year later, I’m not still wrestling with a birth that didn’t go as planned. My baby was 10 days past due date, and I planned a natural home birth with a midwife – I was born at home, and always assumed that’s how it would be for my baby. And we lived spitting distance from the hospital, so I was comfortable with the decision. After 40 hours of labor -14 hours after my water broke – I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was at 7cm and not progressing, and I just could not. Nothing was “wrong” with baby, his heart rate was still totally normal. No fever, no meconium, normal blood pressure, nothing abnormal, just a longggg labor. So I often felt it was ME that just couldn’t handle it. ME that wasn’t tough enough. But I made the decision, and was literally in a room at the hospital 10 minutes later with some sweet narcotic miracle shooting through my veins. Then I had a failed epidural, and got so upset that I had transferred for an intervention that didn’t even help! But the fentanyl and the IV fluids were enough. Rarely, my “what ifs” are kind ones: what if, by transferring, I got the boost I needed just in time to avoid a c -section? What if I was actually respecting my body telling me I needed a little more help?” I TRY to focus on those… The good news is, time to process it helps, as do a million hours of sweet baby cuddles. Thank you for sharing.
Congratulations! He is beautiful!
Bless you and Finn! I certainly know what it’s like to not have an ideal delivery (I had a semi-emergent c-section at 34 weeks, 1 day due to severe preeclampsia), and it is such an emotional experience! I trust you are taking good care of yourself.
I too, must admit, I cried through Finn’s entire birth story. I just want to say thank you for being so open and generous with us ‘strangers’. Social media is a world I’ll never be completely comfortable with, so I genuinely applaud your courage in sharing so much. I will be keeping you, Tanner and Finn in my prayers. God has blessed your lives with the most precious gift of all. I look forward to witnessing Finn grow up, and you all growing together in abundant love and joy. And thank you again for letting ‘us’ come along with you on your journey.
I can SO relate to much of Finn’s birth story. I had not even fathomed having to do a c-section, but after laboring for 42 hours and pushing for 2 hours, my son’s head was too big to fit through my pelvis. I cried when they told me I was going to have to do a c-section, which is so rare for me. Take the time to heal and like you’ve done, remind yourself that the most important part is a healthy baby and mama at the end of the day!
I’m happy your baby is here safe and sound. My first was born under similar circumstances. So much of motherhood is relinquishing control. For me it began that moment that my son’s birth didn’t go as expected and continues daily. You will be a wonderful mom.
Congratulations on your beautiful baby! I haven’t ever commented before, but I had to after reading this. I bawled my way through it because it sounded so much like my own experience giving birth to my daughter 13 years ago. After many hours of labor, not progressing, an epidural, meconium, baby’s heart rate declining, I had a fairly urgent c-section. It wasn’t what I had prepared for, expected, or wished for. But after a while, I came to realize how beautiful it really was. It was so hard, so painful, so messy. But out of it came this beautiful little life. And isn’t that how life works? It can be so hard, so painful, and yet so beautiful. As Holly said earlier, don’t you dare regret your story or wish for a do over. It may take a little while to come to terms with it, but I promise you’ll come to love your labor-delivery story. It’ll be as unique as your sweet baby boy.
I’ve been reading for about a year now, and somehow feel that you’re a friend and a kindred spirit. I’ll be following along eagerly on your journey with Finn. (And what a great name! My elderly dog is named Finlay, but we’ve called him Fin for, well, forever!) Much love to you, Tanner, and sweet Finn.
Congratulations on the little boy, he is adorable. Thank you for sharing your story. Hope you are healing quickly and enjoying baby snuggles. I am 16 weeks pregnant and while reading your story I almost cried. It is a lot to take in what women go through to have a baby but it is so worth it. Enjoy your time and know you are a great mom.
Jen, you are a ROCKSTAR!!!! Congratulations to you on the birth of your gorgeous, healthy baby boy. Finn is so unbelievably fortunate to have you as his momma. I work in the healthcare field and can say, honestly, bringing home a healthy baby is the biggest win in the world….do not let anyone make you feel bad about your birth experience (including yourself!). You did SUCH an amazing job of bringing your son into the world! You are one tough cookie and are already a wonderful mother. Congrats!
*wiping away tears*
You are such an incredible woman. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. I don’t know what else to say. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Tanner, and Finn. ❤️
I read through Finn’s birth story at least a half a dozen times and cried every time. You went through hell to get your sweet boy into the world as did many, many of these strong women here. You are healthy and he is healthy and that is all that matters. Thank you for sharing your amazing experience, Jen. Congratulations to you and Tanner!
Thank you for sharing.
I am so glad to hear you and the baby are ok after all of that.
My birth with my youngest did not go the way o would have liked. I was having symptoms of preeclampsia and was induced early. It was very scary at the time and I still can get upset thinking about everything involved-there were concerns about her health afterwards, too.
She’s 3 now and healthy so that helps me with my feelings around her birth.
Thank you for sharing your birth story, and welcome sweet Finn! I agree with the previous comments that motherhood is all about relinquishing control. That’s been a common thread for me, anyways. Take the time you need to grieve the loss of your ideal birth, but know that Finn doesn’t care – he’s just happy to be on the outside with his mama who he adores. All the best!
Congratulations Jen! He is beautiful! Thank you for sharing your story and being so vulnerable. It is a beautiful story. So happy for you
Hi Jen,
I’m from a completely different world than you (I don’t want kids, I never have, I never will) but I just wanted to say that your story made me… angry? Not at you, of course! But at whatever forces are at play that made this day into one that fills you with sadness and regret instead of happiness. Women are SO hard on themselves. I actually said this out loud after I finished reading your post. Just from a totally unbiased outsider observer, there is nothing about Finn’s birth that should make you feel sad or like a failure. It breaks my heart to think that you and many other women have felt like that. But I also want to say that your feelings are, of course, 100% valid and heard. I don’t have any helpful words or suggestions, but I felt moved by your post and wanted to comment. I was born by C-section, and my mom only speaks of the my birth day with pride and love, although I suspect she too had some of the same feelings that you expressed. Maybe it’s just because it’s so raw and recent right now, but I hope you can move to a place of acceptance and peace about Finn’s birth. The most important thing is that you and your medical team did what was right and healthy for you and Finn, and now you have a beautiful baby boy in the world with you. I hope you enjoy the first few weeks of newborn life. I will be reading along, as always 🙂
I’m so relieved that you and your sweet baby boy, Finn, are both ok after his dramatic entry into the world. I’m teary after reading all that you had to go thru to get him here. Wow. Savor this time with him and lean on your support network. You have been thru a lot. He is beautiful.
Jen, your birthing story mirrors mine. As my Mum said to me afterwards, birthing a child is incredibly emotional, very painful and extremely hard work. There are no prizes for those who push them out in minutes with no pain relief. Your prize is a gorgeous, healthy baby. How he came into the world is neither here nor there. Enjoy your baby boy!
Jen, you are amazing and strong, and I give you so much credit for how long you labored and how difficult it was! I hope that you aren’t too hard on yourself for the way things turned out and that you will be proud for what you went through to have your healthy baby boy here!
All the best,
Andrea
Thank you SO much for sharing so much detail. As someone who hasn’t had kids, it’s incredibly helpful and eye opening. Whenever Tommy and I get pregnant, I want him to read this. 🙂
I’m SO glad you and Finn are okay. I’m so, so happy for you – I’m sitting here wiping tears and mopping up mascara after reading this. You’ll be such an amazing mom and I hope I can meet Finn soon! Love ya lady!
Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy! I had a similar experience with my almost eight year-old daughter. I had a scheduled c-section with my son and it was a million times better. In a few years, you will be sitting around with a group of mom friends sharing birth stories – while watching your kids playing, laughing, and having fun – and how they all got here won’t matter one little bit. ?
Thank you for sharing your story. The honesty and transparency of your words and photos are powerful glimpses into labor and delivery. It’s hard and emotional and different for every woman, but you have captured your experience so beautifully. So often, this process is white-washed by bloggers, which I feel is a disservice to women who are anticipating the birth of their first child. We can read and plan for 9 months, but ultimately, so much is completely out of our control. Your story will be a wonderful reference for women for years to come. You did great, Jen, and Finn is beautiful. You are an amazing mom.
My first baby was sunny-side up, and the pain/difficulty level was no joke. I ended up with an epidural, vacuum assist, and episiotomy, and just barely avoided an emergency C-section. My second baby was huge but not sunny-side up and was a vaginal birth with no interventions or pain medicine (not that that makes it better, just different! A birth is a birth). Congrats on your beautiful baby!
Congrats on a healthy, beautiful baby boy. Labor is NO joke and I was shocked at how painful it was after my water broke as well. Things didn’t go as planned for me, and I kind of knew that would happen (they always say that). I’m so glad you and Finn are okay – you are a champ. So happy for you! <3
You are a warrior. You are so strong and fearless. All birth is natural, all birth is badass. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I am moved to tears by the love you have for your son. You are going to be an incredible mama.
This sounds a lot like my first delivery. My daughter was posterior and weighed almost ten pounds. I was lucky because they were able to get her out with a vacuum extractor right before I would’ve had a c section but I can tell you, after having the second and not even knowing I was in labor, that posterior babies make for incredible pain. If you have another baby and it’s not posterior you will be shocked at the difference in labor. THe end result is all that matters. Your baby is fine and so are you. Nothing you did or didn’t do would’ve changed the outcome. So, now just enjoy your beautiful son and recover yourself. The best is yet to come.
Proud of you! Please don’t have any regrets or guilt. I have three very different birth stories but they all resulted in precious babies who are growing too darn fast! Congrats on your beautiful baby boy! Enjoy every minute!
This is an amazing and beautiful birth story Jen! I’m so impressed with how well-told it is considering the crazy circumstances. I have as time passes you are more at peace with how it all happened. It’s all so fresh your feelings are probably normal. As the years pass, you will appreciate having such a detailed account of your baby’s birth. My kids are teenagers ? and their births are hazy memories these days. Finn is a gorgeous baby and I wish you all the happiness with your new little love!
I’ve never commented on anything online before. But I’m so glad you posted this. I had a similar experience 11 months ago with the birth of my daughter. It didn’t end in a c-section, but with me on the cardiac floor away from her for the first night. It was very traumatic. I still don’t like to talk about. But I have left it behind. When the day to day of taking care of your amazing little one takes over all your thoughts you start to heal. The weight of the experience lessens and you are just their mom, and they were just born on such and such a date. Time does incredible things to our hearts and minds.
Congratulations Jen!! I had a very difficult birth experience with my daughter. I was induced at 38 weeks due to some complications and I went in on Wednesday night at 9 pm and didn’t have her until 10 pm Friday night. My water broke at the hospital and I progressed great but after 4 hours of pushing , my breathing and heart were not taking much more. She was 9lbs and I have a small frame so they told me she simply could not fit. My team warned me my quiet hospital room was about to turn into a crazy place and it did. Forms and questions and upping my epidural. I felt so sick as well when they were getting her out. I saw her for maybe 1 minute and then didn’t see her again for about a half hour. I really had a hard time processing what happened and I also got a rare heart complication after I have birth. I was encouraged to write my story out and I did. On a blog for my friends and family and a private journal for me. I also talk about it still often ( she is 3. ). It’s hard to reconcile what can be one of the hardest yet happiest days of your life. Be proud! When I tell my birth story it makes me so happy that I fulfilled my dream of becoming a mother even though it was nothing like I planned. Enjoy this special time with your little buddy 🙂
Finn is perfection! Thank you so much for being vulnerable and taking us on your journey. I have followed you for years but have to say this last year through your pregnancy has been my absolute favorite. Every post is so well written and real.
Loved reading your birth story. Thank you so much for letting us have a peek into your world. Xoxo
What a beautiful baby and name. You did GREAT. I loved reading your story. You’re right. Not exactly the way you planned but God knew it would all be ok and he protected you all. CONGRATS!
Hi Jen, I’m so sorry that your labor didn’t go as planned ? Thank God for this healthy baby boy! True story, but my labor and delivery story is very similar to yours and for awhile I felt so defeated and disappointed in myself! But I am here to tell you babygirl, all of those feelings went away as the days went by! I just want to tell you to let it go, just embrace it for what it is and love on your baby boy!! When I see you next time, I have a really funny story to tell you! Love you and miss you already!!!
Wow! You are incredibly strong. Finn is such a beautiful name and he’s lucky to have you as his mom. Congratulations!!
So I never post but had to comment on your birth story.
What a beautiful, powerful, sacrificial mother you are.
I have had a vaginal, emergency C-section and unplanned but necessary C-section in that order. I have many times second-guessed aspects of each delivery but understand your feelings as in many ways we second guess C-sections more than anything else. I hope in time you come to love your birth story because it is what brought you this gift. I think you will!
Thank you for this incredibly honest and beautiful post. I cried several times reading it because I can’t imagine what that would’ve been like. Thanks for sharing, as always. I can’t wait to read the next post!
Jen,
Women are so hard on themselves and moms 100% more. I’m sorry that your birth story was not how you envisioned it, but please don’t feel bad about it. What matters is that you and baby are healthy and well. This is one of the few instances in life where the end justifies the means. Congratulations! Sending you love
Sending <3. You were so brave in scary situation after scary situation, and I cried my way through this entire post. Thank you for giving your readers this open look into the day Finn was born. I’m in awe of your strength!
Finn is perfect and beautiful and he is so, so lucky to have you as his mom. Congratulations and can’t wait to continue following your blog as he grows : )
Thank you for sharing all the details of Finn’s birth. Sometimes birth just doesn’t go as we had hoped or planned, even when doing all the “right” things to have the experience we’re idealizing. You can only control so much. It sounds like you had a trying time and a great care team and that you experienced the full range of birth. Birth is such a transformative experience however it happens and it takes time to process. It’s really a gradual thing. Let yourself feel all the feelings you have about Finn’s birth, continue to experience those highs and lows and joy and sadness, and fear and anticipation. Your experience is unique to you and you are strong – you made a human and brought him earthside! Congratulations to you and your family!
You’re welcome and you’re totally right that there is so much that is out of our control. Birth is a transformative experience but it totally threw me for a loop. It was nothing like I imagined it would be. While I didn’t picture roses and sunshine, I didn’t expect to be as afraid as I was or to FEEL so out of control. I’m definitely letting myself ride the emotions of it in hopes that I am able to feel it, process it and eventually be at peace with it. And yes, what a miracle that he is here with us now.
what a beautiful heart-felt emotional story! i’m so, so happy for you guys, no matter how that perfect bundle of joy entered the world. YOU DID IT! and now a love of all loves for your life <3
I feel all of your words so much. I had planned a water birth, hired a doula, extensively researched hospitals with low c-section rates, and wrote a seven page birth plan. All of that went out the window when we were diagnosed with intrauterine growth restriction and given four hours to get to the hospital for immediate induction to save our son’s life. A few things we learned: nurses are angels, anesthesiologist are artists (after 16 hours of labor, the epidural felt amazing), and in a few months, this won’t feel like it does for you now. Our son is ten weeks and I’m just now okay with our hospital experience. Give it time and be gentle with yourself for feeling the way you do. Finn is perfect – and our son’s middle name is also Wilder :).
Ohhh I am totally tearing up too. What an incredible journey. I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you wanted, but I’m so glad you both are ok. He is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing, Jen, and everyone else in the comments. I had an unplanned c-section after 46 hours of labor four weeks ago, and my initial grief over my experience blindsided me. I deeply desired an intervention-free vaginal birth, both for me and for my child, and the cascade of interventions I experienced began as soon as I was examined in triage. It has been very helpful to read all of your words.
The midwives who visited me during my hospital recovery made sure to stress that I was not a failure because I had a c-section. But really, for me, each time I accepted an intervention, I actually felt good about it, because I was doing what was needed for my child in that moment, given the circumstances. (Even though I also hated each and every step – I’m not big on the experience of medical interventions.) Parenthood begins before the birth!