Today my TimeHop showed me a pregnancy test that I took one year ago today that confirmed that I was pregnant.
Fast forward a year and Finn turned three months old on August 18 and my fourth trimester officially came to a close. I’ve been putting off writing this post for two weeks because I haven’t felt that I have the words to adequately capture what this period of my life has been like.
It’s difficult for me to write about my fourth trimester experience because the lines between adjusting new motherhood and dealing with separating from my partner at two weeks postpartum are so blurred.
There is a parenting podcast named “The Longest Shortest Time.” That is exactly what the fourth trimester felt like to me. I could also call it “The Hardest Best Time.”
It was nothing like I thought it would be and more than I ever dreamed it would be, all at the same time.
I think I could ramble on for a while so I’m going to try to touch on a few of my biggest takeaways from the fourth trimester.
IT’S OKAY IF YOUR BIRTH DIDN’T GO THE WAY YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD…AND IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH THAT.
I wrote a post early on about Finn’s birth and the emotional recovery from a c-section. To be completely honest with you, while I have made peace with the way that Finn came into this world (through the “sunroof” as one of you so perfectly put it), I haven’t made peace with the whole experience of his birth and I think it will take the passage of time and a lot of healing before I do.
Over the course of this weekend while I was out and about I saw three very pregnant women. It is still very hard for me to see expecting mothers who are “about to pop” because it brings up so much emotion for me around what my birth wasn’t.
I don’t want to go into more detail than that because it feels extremely private but I guess I want to say that it’s okay if your birth experience didn’t go the way you thought it would and it’s also okay to have some trauma associated with it.
I WAS SURPRISED BY HOW MUCH CAME INTUITIVELY…AND HOW MUCH I LOVED IT.
When I was pregnant I felt so overwhelmed by how I was going to learn all the mom stuff. Having a baby showed me that I was 100% capable of figuring it out. The connection that I had with Finn’s needs along with my drive to care for him was something I never anticipated to feel on the level that I did. I accessed a strength and trust in myself that I had never tapped into before. I also couldn’t believe how much joy I felt over being a mom and how much I loved it. I wasn’t one of those girls who grew up dreaming of being a mom and honestly wasn’t sure if I had it “in me.” I think that’s okay to say here.
Now, don’t get me wrong…I have no idea what I’m doing. I have totally been there at 3 a.m. rocking a crying baby, reading Happiest Baby on the Block and wondering why the 5 S’s weren’t working for me. Being a mom is all about trial and error and every day I am just doing the best I can with what I know in the moment…but trusting my instincts has served me well so far. I guess I would encourage other new moms not to doubt yourself. As women, we were made for this. It’s the hardest job in the world but we have the tools within ourselves to do it.
BECOMING A MOM INSTANTLY TRANSFORMED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOM.
My mom initially wasn’t supposed to be in Charlotte for the birth but as I inched closer and closer to being induced, we knew how to time it so that she could be there. It was hands-down the best decision to have her with me for the birth and I cannot imagine going through it without her at my side. She arrived at 4 p.m. the day before I was scheduled to be induced. I ended up going into labor on my own that same night at 10:30 p.m. I truly believe her presence allowed me to relax enough to let things happen on their own.
I swear to you that for me the experience of labor and delivery instantly transformed my relationship with my mom. Not that we didn’t have a great relationship before, but I feel so much more deeply bonded and connected to her now. And I have SO much more respect for what she did for my brother and me in carrying us, birthing us and raising us.
I have been grateful for her continued unwavering love and support in my fourth trimester.
OTHER MOMS ARE THE FREAKING BEST.
I wrote a whole post about the support I received from other women, specifically moms, during my fourth trimester and I just have to say again that it was amazing and continues to be amazing. I have never felt so seen, supported and connected. I am so inspired to carry this forward to other new moms.
HOLY BABY BLUES.
I’m an emotional person but good god, nothing prepared me for the “baby blues.” I spent the first two weeks of Finn’s life crying ALL.THE.TIME. I cried over how perfect Finn was. I cried over how nice my friends were. I cried over how grateful I was for my mom’s help. I cried when my mom left. (Still doing that these days too.) I cried when I read Finn his first book. I cried when he choked on spit up and I thought something was wrong with him. I cried when I was breastfeeding. I cried at his first pediatrician appointment. I cried sometimes for seemingly no reason at all.
The baby blues did lift and I felt like my hormones leveled off and more like myself after a few weeks!
BEING A NEW MOM CAN BE LONELY.
The transition from my very busy life to the reality of being home with a new baby was difficult. Before Finn’s birth I told myself that I was going to really soak up the opportunity to slow down but it was harder than I anticipated to actually put into practice. When you have a baby your whole life changes in an instant. Your identity shifts. Things will never be the same. That’s a lot wrestle with as it is but layered onto that I also had the ending of a relationship and leaving a job and a community that was a huge part of my life.
I was alone with a baby and my whole world had changed. It’s been the hardest and the best thing for me to have to walk through and it has completely shifted my views of what is important and what I want out of life. COMPLETELY SHIFTED.
Regardless of whether you’re doing it partnered or single, being home with a baby can be lonely and isolating. It’s really helped me to travel to be with my family or to have them here. I’ve also been pushing myself out of my comfort zone to make plans with not only my friends but other new moms. Getting myself out of the house regularly is key to my sanity. I have never been so excited about running errands in my life.
THE FEMALE BODY IS INCREDIBLE.
Pregnancy, childbirth and the fourth trimester have given me a new appreciation and deeper love for my body. I can’t get over the miracle of Finn growing inside of me and that he now gets the nourishment he needs to grow and develop from my body. Breastfeeding has been hard but one of the coolest things that I’ve ever done. I’m also awed by my body’s ability to heal from major abdominal surgery. That has been an experience that I still want to write a separate post about.
NOTHING CAN PREPARE YOU FOR THIS RIDE UNTIL YOU’RE ON IT.
Last thing. You all were so incredibly helpful and open with sharing your insights and experiences in the comments you left and emails that you sent during my pregnancy. That being said, nothing prepared me for childbirth and the transition into motherhood until I experienced it for myself. I mean, I thought I had an idea of what this would all look and feel like. I had no idea. I SO APPRECIATE your brutal honesty in sharing pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood because it’s helped me more than you know.
I think that’s why other moms are so supportive of new moms. Because YOU KNOW. It’s just a whole new world.
Now that I got myself started on this end of the fourth trimester post, I’m having a hard time stopping. I just don’t think there are enough words to adequately express what this journey has been like.
Is it crazy that I’m sad that it’s over? Even though the days were brutal at times, I want them back. There was so much sweetness in the struggle. I remember being in the hospital and thinking, “I can’t believe I have so many friends who have done this more than once…I’m never doing this again.” And now I want to do it all over again. Being Finn’s mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I’m constantly being given the advice to soak it up because it goes so fast and it really, truly does. I’m trying so hard to be in the moment and to love every single day with Finn. Even though this is never what I dreamed being a new mom would be, it’s time I will never get back if I don’t choose to open my eyes and my heart to the gift that is right in front of me.
The fourth trimester…the end.
All the LOVE to you Jen!! Thank you for sharing and being so open and honest. It has been wonderful to watch you on your journey as Finn’s mother and one day I hope to experience everything you have in whatever unconventional form that may look like as well 🙂
Thanks Nicki! 🙂
That picture of you and your mom… powerful!! I loved reading this, Jen, and the insights you shared. I don’t know if motherhood is in the cards for me… I don’t know how to “know” if we should pursue parenthood, but I really honor and respect how you’re doing it. You are amazing.
Thank you so much. <3 Truly, you are a great friend and such an example to me of grace and strength.
What a beautiful, powerful, incredibly honest and truthful post. Motherhood is the best and hardest job in the world, and even on the days I want to run away and hide, I’d never trade it for anything.
Finn has an amazingly kind, caring, strong mama to look up to! Keep doing the amazing job you’re doing, and be kind to yourself along the way. Your friends, family, and “mom tribe” will have your back.
Hugs to you!
Thank you for this comment Lauren. It means so much to me.
Finn is so lucky to have you. You are doing such a great job! Keep it up 🙂
Thank you Mariah! I feel so lucky to have HIM!
The way you describe your experience becoming a mother and how deeply connected you are to Finn is so inspiring. I’m currently pregnant with my first and I’m terrified for everything to come but you make it sound so beautiful even though it’s hard. I love following you through your journey!
Congratulations on your pregnancy Allison. Sending you so much love and peace as you prepare to welcome your baby into this world!
Aww I loved reading this! I think every mom thinks it’s going to be constant blissful moments of snuggling and staring into your babies eyes…until it’s 3am and you want nothing other than that baby to close their eyes and quit looking at you! And then you start crying because, yes, the baby blues are REAL! I’m proud of you for what you are doing and in awe of your strength to talk about it openly. Hopefully I’ll get to meet Mr Finn before he gets to high school.
Take care! ?
Thank you so much Emily! And yes, we’ll have to make that meeting happen MUCH SOONER! xoxo
You are incredible and so inspiring. I hope you’re proud of your courage and strength. You will inspire so many with your vulnerability. Thank you! XO
Thank you so much for these kind words Melissa!
Thank you so much for sharing! I agree with you on so many of those points, esp that the 4th trimester can be lonely…to be honest with you , I think mommyhood can be lonely altogether. A very hard road & never sure whigh way to take. I’m grateful I’m not the only ones that feels that way. ?
Bridget – you are so welcome and THANK YOU for your comment and for validating that it’s tough and lonely sometimes.
The picture of you and your mom made my eyes well up instantly. What a beautiful moment to capture..
Thank you Laura!
I think I nodded along to every single sentence you wrote here! I had my daughter (second child) about two weeks after Finn was born so I’ve been right back in the newborn stage right along with you. Everything you said was right on the mark. I was never one to daydream about being a mom, but now as a mom of two (I still can’t believe I have two kids!) I can’t imagine my life any different!
Elaine – thanks for reading and congrats on your second! 🙂
You are doing amazing at this “mom” thing. I love your honesty!!! I have two beautiful healthy children (last one just started kindergarten) and I can still imagine them both kicking and moving in my stomach (one of the best pregnancy experiences to me). Every stage is different and fun!! Enjoy and savor every moment
Hey Karen – thank you! I’m trying my best. And yes, the kicks and moves were just the coolest thing. And now that he’s here, it’s so much fun to see how quickly he grows and changes and to watch how he sees and interacts with the world!
You wrote this post so beautifully, Jen.
You are such an amazing mom to Finn! He is so lucky to have you, you’re doing such a great job! Xo
Thank you so much Sarah. <3
I love reading your updates! I had my first baby girl just a little more than a week after Finn and while our stories are different, there are so many similarities! The loneliness is so true! I was that person that was constantly busy and taking care of my baby girl has really made me slow down. The days are slow yet it goes by so fast at the same time! I go back to work at the beginning of October and I can’t imagine not spending all day with her watching her grow and giving me the most wonderful smiles… it will be hard!
Hey Kathy – congratulations on you baby girl! 🙂 I love that we’re so close.
And yes, isn’t the change of pace so crazy when it’s not what you are used to? I’m slowly settling in but I feel like by the time I really get used to it, Finn will be on the move and I’ll never sit again. Haha.
I think you are an amazing woman. You have been through so much and you are so strong. Thank you for sharing your struggles and triumphs with us. Even though I had my children over 11 and 13 years ago, it still feels like yesterday and I remember thinking the same things: 1) My birth plan with my first went out the window. 2) Your heart just grows, even when you thought it couldn’t hold any more love. 3) My own mother? Wow…the relationship grew into something I never expected! Her love for my children was an facet I had never expected.
There are so many amazing things that are coming your way. I am so excited for you and Finn.
Thank you so much Jessica! I appreciate you sharing your experience and sending encouragement my way. 🙂
I encourage you to find a therapist to work through your birth trauma. I too look at pregnant women and feel longing, but it is because I am unable to carry another child (I have an almost 2 year old daughter). I had a traumatic birth and am still trying to work through it.
Lisa – I am so sorry to read about your experience and that you are unable to carry another child. I can only imagine how your heart must feel and mine breaks for you. I am working with a therapist…on everything…and it has been helpful. I think that therapy is such an important tool in effectively dealing with all that life (and now motherhood) throws at us.
You are amazing. Thanks for the honest post.
I just sent my girl to fourth grade, and I am about to end the third trimester of baby #2 in just a week or two. How I am going to do it all, I don’t know. Good luck to you in this difficult and wonderful journey, we know how hard and beautiful it can be. My fourth grader is the best thing of my life, and she makes me so proud every day. And yet, I know how hard it has been raising her to be a good kid. The idea of starting over is nothing short than terrifying.
Oh wow Elle! What a crazy and special time of life for you. I can only imagine the emotions you must be feeling. I am sending you so much love and strength.
Jen,
I must thank you for the honesty with which you have shared your journey. Your perspective is such a beautiful one and has been a tremendous encouragement to me. I am a few months behind you (I have a 3 week old), and have been following your journey since stumbling upon your site during your second trimester of pregnancy. I feel really fortunate to have had your words throughout my own pregnancy and start of my post-partum period. You are an absolute warrior and are rocking motherhood. It’s clear that it has transformed you in many ways, as it does anyone who is willing to do the hard and introspective work of BECOMING a mother. It’s not immediate, but is a process of not-knowing, letting go, learning to love, and trusting our own intuition. Thank you for emphasising all of this in your posts. All the best to you and Finn as you continue growing together.
Hi Sarah – first, congratulations on your new baby. Second, thank you so much for your incredibly beautiful words about becoming a mother. They touched me so deeply.
Thank you so much for writing these 4th trimester posts! I am about a week behind you in post-partum land and it has been so helpful to me to read these posts, know what to anticipate and know that I’m not alone. I look forward to seeing what the future holds for you and sweet Finn. ?
You are so welcome and congrats to you!
I’m really proud of you.
I don’t know you but like you said, other moms “get it”. I am married and have family local and still found this first year to be the “hardest best time”. You are amazing.
I also want to thank you for bringing attention to healing from the trauma of labor and delivery. My sweet pea is 14 months and I am still traumatized and may never fully get over it. My baby is the best thing that ever happened to me and I would knowingly go through it all again for him but it really was one of the worst experiences of my life and it’s ok to feel that way. So thank you. xo
Thank you so much Mary Ellen…for the encouragement and also for sharing about your experience in labor and delivery. I think it’s something that women should be able to speak openly and honestly about without being bombarded with, “you should be grateful.”
Wow! This is a beautiful post Jen bc it came from the heart! Have a great day!
Thank you!
With my first grandson’s birth just weeks away, I want to thank you for all that you have shared with us. I hope that my daughter will read your experiences and they will empower her as she begins her own journey.
How exciting for you and your daughter. Sending love to you both!
thank you for sharing all that you do!
you are so welcome allison. thanks for reading.
I love reading your blog. I just wanted to tell you other Moms admire your strength and honesty. Plenty of bloggers only post the pretty stuff and sometimes that isn’t what life hands us.
I am in a different phase of life as my kids are 23 and 21 now. I was just talking to my daughter (23) the other day because she was worrying about a big life decision for her. I wish my Mom would have told/taught me that we just try and do the best we can. We don’t have to figure everything out all at once and as much as we are kind and gentle with others we need to do the same with ourselves. I was a young mom at 23 and made plenty of mistakes and hopefully did some things great. Either way it all works out in the end. You’re doing a great job!
Thank you so much Jenny. I feel like it’s my duty to post “all the stuff” because life is not just the pretty side of things. By any stretch.
You are so right on your point about being kind and gentle with ourselves. There is so much in life to experience, learn and endure…it’s just part of the process. I’m sure as a mom it’s difficult to watch your children go through things when you’ve been there….knowing that they are on their own journey and it’s mostly something they have to do on their own. (If that makes any sense?)
Sending love. xo
Jen, I don’t have children (and don’t want them) but so love reading your posts on pregnancy and motherhood because they reveal so many truths about life as a whole. I’m so sorry that this time in your life isn’t what you thought it would be, but I love that you are making the most of it and truly enjoying your time with Finn. And that realization about how your relationship with your mother changed instantly…that’s just beautiful to the core. I’m so glad you have such great support around you. I hope it continues and that you get happier and more settled in your heart every day.
Thank you so much for this comment Joy. It deeply touched me.
Getting all caught up here…congratulations on baby Finn! He looks just like you 🙂 Heard a powerful goop podcast Peter Crone The Mind Architect. Very healing. Separately, visiting my sister in Cincy and going to Wanderlust. We’ll be cheering you on as you warm up the runners. Can’t wait!
Thank you and I will listen to that podcast on my next walk! I hope to meet you in Cincinnati!
Like you I had an unexpected c section. Mine was due to fetal distress. I wanted a natural and free of intervention birth. I was very upset and blown away by how little control I had over the situation. It was traumatic and I’m not sure anyone who has an unexpected c section finds it to not be traumatic. When I see other pregnant women I want to tell them it might be nothing like what you expect and you could do everything “right” like I did and have an emergency c section. Perhaps the most awful thing that gets me fired up is when I see women say that because they were healthy they had an easy natural birth or because they ran or whatever it was a good experience. It angers me because it implies that those of us who have traumatic experiences were not healthy or did not take care of ourselves. The truth is it is out of our control. Anyway as I comment I realize I probably have some outstanding unresolved feelings and it’s normal.
Hey Sarah – I’m sorry that you also experienced an unexpected c-section. I also agree that so much about birth is completely out of our control and that can be difficult to deal with emotionally when it doesn’t go as you hoped. I was also just very shocked by the recovery from c-section. I’d never had a major surgery before and it was very difficult to manage on top of the transition into new motherhood. I think it’s important that women are able to talk about their birth experiences without judgement. Thank you for sharing.
That was such a beautiful post! I have loved reading about your journey and appreciate how open and honest you have been! I hope that it continues to be a wonderful experience full of love and joy!
Hey Jen! I’ve been following your blog and your IG (I am @magicalworldwonder) closely since I found out I was (unexpectedly!) pregnant last fall, right around Thanksgiving time. Last Saturday I welcomed baby Wesley into this world and I am in the “trenches” of the fourth trimester. Oh, the hormones! He is the greatest joy in the world, a miracle from God. All the while, I am grappling with the fact that life will never be the same again. For the better. But still scary. Though it’s been a week and half, I am adjusting to being a workaholic with a bustling, active lifestyle to caring for this sweet little boy at home, I haven’t been home this much, well– ever! I deliberately searched for your thoughts on the first 0-3mos tonight because you’ve always put things in such a beautiful, simple way that speaks to me. Reading your entries now, it seems that you’ve come so far, and I hope to do the same as I continue to adjust and my body gets stronger. Thank you for your words and know that this new mom greatly appreciate your body of work on the topic of parenting.
Your friend from NY, Michelle 🙂
Hi Michelle!
Thank you so much for taking a moment to comment so that we can connect. Biggest congratulations to you on the arrival of sweet baby Wesley! Please be so, so gentle with yourself as that fourth trimester period is one of the most tumultuous in a woman’s life. I really believe that. Yes, it’s beautiful and you have an amazing little baby but it’s like every single thing has changed in your life and your body feels not your own. It really helped me to take it one day at a time (heck, sometimes one hour at a time!). You will adjust and you will find a new normal! I promise. Sending you so much love and let me know if there is anything I can do to support you!
Love,
Jen