Hi. How is your heart? I want to start this post by saying that any emotion that you are feeling is valid and to acknowledge that the reality of the present moment is heavy and hard.
I have been actively engaging in and posting about the Black Lives Matter movement on my social media feeds but I haven’t written a post here on my blog. For the record, and not to make an excuse, the toddler toys post that went live on Saturday was pre-written and pre-scheduled. I should have re-scheduled it but I spent the day off of my computer and immersed in reading and following what was happening in my local community and across the country while also caring for Finn.
This is what I posted on Instagram and Facebook on Saturday for those who do not follow me there.
It is difficult to hold childlike wonder and innocence alongside the adult reality of the world we are living in. Today was a challenging parenting day as I worked hard to meet Finn in a place of joy and adventure while my own heart was shattered over the state of our country.
I listen to Morning Edition on @wfae every morning while I make coffee and breakfast. Today I found myself leaning over my kitchen listening to the account of the protests in Charlotte last night while Finn was playing in the other room. What absolutely broke me was the sound of tear gas being sent out into a crowd of people who are desperate and deserving of change.
I have a voice and a platform and I won’t be silent in fear of saying the wrong thing or losing followers. My current focus is on education and action. I hope that you will join me in taking a powerful stand for POC, and in committing to learning from and supporting Black people in any and every way humanly possible.
BEHIND THE SCENES
While you haven’t heard from me on my blog, I have been doing my own personal work behind the scenes.
First, I have been teaching yoga and doing my best to hold space for my students to care for themselves through movement and breath because I believe that when we are in strong relationship with ourselves that we are better able relate to and serve others.
Second, last night I participated in an online workshop with local yoga teacher and social justice leader Rebby Kern on Race, Gender and Bias. We had over 35 people gathered from around the world for an honest and eye-opening conversation.
As part of my assigned pre-work, I watched this TED Talk which I would encourage you to view. It is deeply moving around violence towards black women and educated me about the #sayhername movement.
Third, many months ago I sat down with Shanna Small who is a yoga teacher whom I love, respect and have worked alongside for many years. I asked her if she would be willing to present modules on diversity and inclusion in my yoga teacher trainings. My next training begins this weekend and I will have her participate in my summer training (and pay her full fee for her time and knowledge).
I beg you to read this article that Shanna wrote today about doing more than sending love and light. It includes actionable steps that you can take to give legs to “love and light.”
Finally, I am making donations, learning from black educators, reading as much as I can and having really deep conversations with friends and family.
IMPERFECTION
Okay, all that stuff above is great but let’s talk about how imperfectly that I am walking through all of this. One thing common thread in the work that I have been following and doing is that you WILL make mistakes but that it’s important to be willing to see them, learn from them and keep moving forward.
I have made some big ones.
First, I should have posted sooner here and I extend my apologies for not using THIS platform (not just my social media) to its fullest potential.
Second, the first iteration of the Facebook/Instagram post that I shared above said that I stood over my kitchen sink with tears running down my face as I listened to the account of the protests in Charlotte.
And then on Monday morning I read this post from @moeotivate on Instagram. I’ll be honest, it didn’t make me feel good. I defaulted to the defensive that my tears were real and valid. I stopped myself and committed to sitting with it and not reacting. While the tears that I cried were real, I really tried to unpack where they were coming from, what was behind them and how I could use my grief/sadness/rage in a way that better supports black people.
On a related note, I would like to recognize Monique Melton. When I started following her last week she had 17K followers on Instagram and DM’d me requesting that I not lurk and watch and inquired on my plans to educate myself and take action. I responded and she had a dialogue with me. I was shocked that she took that time to engage with me because I certainly didn’t feel that it was owed to me.
Here we are a week later and her following has grown to 200,000. This gives me hope that amplification is working. Monique’s words are hard-hitting but we need to hear them. Please consider visiting her website and listening to her podcast and taking her courses on anti-racism. She offers a crash course, a 12-week program, a training on how to talk to kids about race and more!!!
And third…I am embarrassed to share this.
After taking Rebby’s workshop last night I posted this on my Instagram stories. What is wrong with it?
- I spent an hour of pre-work and two hours of training learning and talking about bias and microaggressions in regards to race, gender, sexual orientation and disability.
- Rebby is non-binary and identifies with the pronouns they/them. Our training included a diverse group in regards to sexual and gender preferences/identifications.
- I “hopped onto stories” last night right after the training and called everyone in the group “women” and Rebby “her.”
Rebby corrected me so gently this morning. I was honestly amazed by their kindness. <— And OMFG…I still defaulted to “her” when typing this sentence. IT IS SO ENGRAINED.
I apologized, owned how much I have to un-learn, deleted and reposted my story. You guys, I spent THREE HOURS doing work to learn and do better and STILL defaulted to my known and comfortable.
Rebby has added one more June training date and space is very limited. I can’t encourage you guys enough to sign up for this training.
LET’S TALK MORE
What I shared above was difficult to write but I pray that these examples create space for you guys on your own imperfect journeys.
I am 1,500 words in and only scratching the surface. I would love to keep this conversation going. What are you doing/reading/thinking and how are you acting on it? How have you messed up? Where can you do better?
I love all of you,
Jen
Thank you for this post and for being willing to share your mistakes! If more of us white people can admit and grow from our mistakes, we can go a long way toward doing the necessary work of dismantling these oppressive systems.
I’ve had a lot of personal conversations with my black acquaintance friends. People I chat with regularly (though we don’t hang out due to living in different states), enjoy engaging with, BUT had never asked or spoken of race with. One of whom has challenged my thoughts and even the words I use and how those words are perceived by the black community. I learned that my previous silence to them was isolating and divisive.
A friend has also invited me to join a bible study about racial injustice – details being determined on start up. I’m sure it will be awkward at times but I’m eager to work on bridging our commonalities and celebrating our differences and working through the hard together.
Thank you for this, Jen. It has inspired me to do some work of my own. I’m glad Finn is growing up with you as a mama.
Thank you for your refreshing honesty and for the useful resources ❤️
Jen, I know you’re not posting this to be praised but I still just have to say I LOVE how you’ve talked about learning and being open to make mistakes in this post. Sometimes the idea of getting it ‘wrong’ can be enough to put people off engaging with complex and often difficult subjects and I think the approach that you’re working with is so much more healthy and beneficial for everybody, where we can engage with ideas whilst learning from people who know more than us, making it clear our intentions are to learn and do better.I’m truly going to make more of an effort to do this rather than be silent for fear of making mistakes. Thankyou xx
I’m uncomfortable praising you for this post because I know that’s not the point. But I am so impressed with your honesty and your willingness to share specific mistakes you not only made, but made recently. I have read and heard too many vague “I had no idea…my eyes are open now” type of posts, or vague apologies for not being aware, so this really stands out to me. I spent the weekend really digging into some of the uncomfortable ways I have used and benefited from black people throughout my life and I can’t imagine sharing what I wrote in my journal with anyone, so this post really is, as I said, rare and honest and encourages conversation. Monique Melton’s post you shared is also really, really important. Thank you.
Thank you for posting this. Making mistakes and learning from them and telling others about it IS the work that we have to do.
Thank you for your vulnerability. We see you and support you. Your accountability holds us accountable. ❤️
Jen, thanks for sharing this post and amplifying black voices. It’s hard to recognize our mistakes without getting defensive, but it’s so important to do so.
Have you checked for a local chapter of Showing Up for Racial Justice? It’s an org for white folks that coordinates with organizations like BLM to offer support for the racial justice movement. You may want to check it out. Another organization to consider would be Mother’s Against Violence.
I’ve personally picked up a lot of books by black authors (fiction and nonfiction) and I plan to spend a lot of time educating myself this summer. There are a lot of good lists of resources online, maybe you can amplify some of those?
One last thing I want to add is that you are raising a young boy who will become a white man. It is so, so important to talk to him about race and racism. Children of all ages can understand these concepts. Here is a good article: https://www.npr.org/2020/05/31/866426170/raising-white-kids-author-on-how-white-parents-can-talk-about-race?fbclid=IwAR22HZp7Fq00F1qB7BLaKSpTTN9p7FMuZzqq6NW7i6DD9XiAL1o6WDbipgI
And I work with folks who have compiled lists of children’s books that address race if you’d like recommendations. If you haven’t already, please be sure that Finn is reading books with racially diverse characters.
I have been wanting to comment on your post where you talk about “the ache.” I so identify with that ALL THE TIME. And I identify with all that you write today – which continues the ache in a whole new way.
I haven’t been on social media because I realize how little I know and I’m ashamed of that. We have a huge riot Saturday night in my town of La Mesa and 3 buildings were burned to the ground and someone was killed. It was so violent and awful and yet it started out peacefully. It was a front-yard view to how much I’ve buried my head in the sand.
I called two of my black friends and asked for help and they gave me so much insight – but again, the shame of not asking sooner. I keep thinking of what my yoga teacher says – when you know better you can do better.
In a more selfish note, I woke up and realized I made a huge mistake at work. So it was comforting to realize that imprefection is inherent in our humanity.
Thank you for sharing these resources. I’m often the person who’s too scared to say the wrong thing online, so I rarely say anything unless I’ve spent hours editing and making sure it’s not going to ruffle feathers. I’m not a natural writer and am scared of confrontation. But I want to learn more and do better to be more confident in what I say. It can be overwhelming with all the things I need to learn about and stay on top of to be properly informed and the list just grows everyday. But I’ll do my best and I hope that with a few trainings and reading, it’ll be a good start.
Just wanted to share for some of the commenters here, and I’m not trying to be critical. I know many of us are doing the best we can. But calling up your Black friends and acquaintances so they can “teach” you what you need to know – is not fair to them. They are generally tired, hurting, weary – way more than us (I am a white woman). You are going to have to do the work on your own. They have their own stuff to deal with, they can’t do it all for you, too. Again, I share this from a place of love, not cruelty.
That was a great post. I think what’s ironic about you sharing all of the “mistakes” you’ve made, while it’s uncomfortable I’m sure for you to share, is actually the best message and teaching you could share with your followers. I can absolutely relate and I know it helps me place actions with the teachings so i thank you for that!
We have so much to unlearn and so much to learn at the same time. I have started with donating, reading and speaking up. When I hear people angry about the looting and rioting, who never felt compelled to talk about the deaths/injustice, I address that with them and ask them why the deaths didn’t anger them but the destruction of property did. I do feel like it started a conversation and given those people something to think about. I now understand why its not enough to just believe that I am not racist, we have to correct it when we hear it even if we don’t always to it perfectly.
Such a wonderful post. Thank you so much for sharing!
-Kate
https://daysofkate.com/
Thank you so much for your honesty. It takes real strength to share vulnerabilities. Hats off to your courage!