Good morning. My eyes popped open at 5:30 a.m. and I couldn’t will myself back to sleep. I got up and made a pot of French press instead. It’s been months since I made coffee in the French press and I’m reminded how amazing it is! If you’re looking for a gift for the coffee lover in your life, a French press, coffee grinder and high-quality beans would be perfect!
I am also eating a smoothie bowl and sitting in front of the space heater so there is that. Oh and Good Morning America was just playing a clip of Mariah Carey singing Hero and I was taken way, way back. I was such a huge MC fan growing up.
I want to talk about something today that’s been on my heart since my mom sent me this video…the moments of choosing presence that we will never regret.
This video from Mother.ly brought tears to my eyes because it captures some of the sweetest and most tender moments of motherhood so well, and because I am so grateful to Finn for teaching me so much about stopping and choosing presence.
The advice that I have heard most often from friends, fellow moms and even complete strangers is “soak it up, it goes so fast/they grow so fast.” And, “you’ll never get this time back.” They are so right. Every day feels like such a gift and I have been consciously working to balance getting done what truly needs to be done with pausing and being in the moment I’m in.
I’ve also had so many people tell me, “you’ll never regret holding your baby” and “you can’t spoil a baby,” and a friend of mine recently shared a link to a study that holding infants can impact their DNA. The study found that, “The amount of close and comforting contact between infants and their caregivers can affect children at the molecular level, an effect detectable four years later.”
This same article talks a lot about epigenetics, which is a topic that I have thought about a lot…and harbored some guilt over to be honest. There is a lot of research emerging about the effects of maternal stress on baby when in utero and that they can be long-lasting.
“Human and animal studies have demonstrated that perturbations in early life, especially in the critical developmental window of intrauterine life, have programming effects on health outcomes in later life. A growing body of literature has also demonstrated that prenatal maternal stress (PNMS) can adversely impact a variety of developmental outcomes in the offspring throughout childhood that persist into adulthood.”
Here’s a link to the source of the above quote, and much more in-depth information can be found in the article/research study review.
Photo Wanda Koch
Mom guilt is real and I can go down the rabbit hole of worrying about all of the ways that I’ve already messed him up by being anxious, sad and stressed during a lot of my pregnancy OR I can choose to also believe that babies are resilient and focus on being the strongest, most present, most grounded version of myself for Finn NOW.
He is a fabulous motivation for finding happiness, peace and gratitude for what I have…no matter what that looks like. He is enough, and the love that we share is more than enough. There is nothing lacking.
Photo Amanda James
My mama intuition has told me to hold this baby as much as possible, feed him on demand, make eye contact with him, keep him close and make him my number one. Most everything else can wait.
What is the best or most memorable advice that you received as a new mom?
I am really loving your motherhood posts, Jen! I work fulltime outside of the home and have a 15-month-old. He’s been waking up at 4 am recently and I have really been enjoying the excuse to bring him into bed with me to snuggle and doze off until it’s time to wake up and start our day. He’s so active during the day that it’s hard to get those snuggles in and I miss the all-day snuggling of the early months – though back then I always worried about what still had to be done while I sat glued to a baby and the couch!
Thank you for being so honest with us here. Posts like these often remind me to stop and enjoy the little moments because yes, it all flies by so fast!
<3
Thank you so much Tanya. Gosh, I also look back and wish I could have told myself not to worry so much about other things. Those early days go SO FAST! I appreciate you reading. xo
My best piece of advice came from my grandma. She said “there’s always going to be laundry, cleaning etc, but they are only little once.” I’m trying really hard to slow down and follow my own intuition when it comes to raising my two children. It’s so hard because I want things to be done around the house or getting a workout in, yet I want sit and just be with my babies. I love these posts Jen! Thank you for being so honest and open with us.
Love your grandmother’s advice and I appreciate you reading and commenting. I totally relate to the balance between slowing down and feeling like you need to get things done, but I think being aware of the choice is one of the biggest keys to staying present and soaking up those little moments!
You are such a strong and incredible mom to Finn! Try not to let the mom guilt bring you down and instead focus on how much you have done for sweet Finn!
I think it’s hard to understand how fast time goes until you are a mom. Everyone tells you this but I think you have to experience it first hand before you can truly understand it. Our son is 9.5 months and he’s already too busy crawling and exploring to snuggle with us. We do get some cuddles but more often than not, he’s pushing off of me to look around and check out his surrounding. It’s fun to see him discover the world but I do miss the times when he would sleep in my arms! But that makes me appreciate the snuggles even more!
Thank you Lisa. Definitely choosing to focus on the present and Finn’s future and not beat myself up for things I can’t change.
Finn is also getting to that stage where he wants to crawl all over me and the floor to explore things. Luckily, he’ll still cuddle with me sometimes too but it is much harder to keep him still these days!
I remember hearing “the days are long, but the years are short” and oh how that is true. There are so many long, hard days in parenting, where I need to stop and remind myself that these days are going by quickly and I should savor even the hard moments. I have also come to realize, though, that despite how much you hold them and soak up those moments, they still pass and you still wish you could have more time. My kids are 6 and 9 now and oh how I miss those baby days. At the same time though, these elementary year bring their own level of sweetness that I try to soak up, until we move onto the next phase.
Yes, I think about that quote ALL THE TIME! And so many have shared that each stage and age comes with its own unique special things so I know I will love them all (except maybe some of the teenage years…haha) for different reasons.
Hey Jen, great post and I love that video. I still lay down with my 2 and 6 year old to get them to sleep. I love our cuddle times and I was just like you in regards to feeding/nursing on demand, allowing both my girls to sleep on me or next to me when I wanted the moment to last, and giving up on certain tasks to focus on them. Luckily, I have been able to be home with them every day of their life and with my husband’s job loss, we have decided to maybe purchase an existing coffee/donut shop so that bonding and day to day togetherness doesn’t have to end. Have a great day and love the photos too!
Thank you Natasha. What a gift to be able to stay home with them and very exciting about the possible business purchase. Please keep me posted!
What a beautiful post! And very relevant to me currently. This morning while I was getting ready for work, my son (15 months) woke, and I was holding and rocking him trying to get him calm and back to sleep. I thought “I don’t have time for this right now.” I immediately (luckily) thought, but yes I do. Who cares if I don’t finish my makeup. I’m about to part ways with my baby for the next 10 hours. I will not regret that decision later this afternoon.
I’m absolutely loving reading about you and Finn growing and changing!
Thank you Erica, and thank you for sharing that. Such a beautiful mindset shift. <3 I really appreciate you following along.
Thank you so so much for this! Simple things like this help to remind me to be more present and let the little things go. I have so much mom guilt lately for feeling like I don’t have enough time with me son and the time we do have, I am usually taking care of the things that can be done after he goes to bed. Those things can wait, my son who is growing and changing every day cannot <3
Aw, Nikki. It’s not easy…balancing work with life and motherhood is so tricky. Just given what you’ve shared in comments, I know without a doubt that you are an amazing mother to your son. Sending love.
Oh my gosh I needed this today. I was wearing my 1 month old in a wrap trying to figure out how to keep her asleep but put her down so I could either meal prep or go to the gym. I decided to sit down while I finished my coffee and saw your post, and I’m so glad I did. I’m still crying from that video! I echo the sentiment of the other moms who have already commented that I’m constantly trying to figure out how to get tasks done…but this post just reminded me of how important it is to cherish each moment with my little one. I can honestly say that much of this first month has not been super enjoyable- I have been an emotional wreck dealing with sleep deprivation and a fussy baby and feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing. But this very moment- her sleeping peacefully on my chest is the most rewarding time with her- why in earth would I want to try to do anything else right now?! Thanks Jen for the post and to you other moms for helping me get my priorities straight! <3
Jessica – ah, my heart goes out to you. That first month is just a blur of hormones, tears, sleep deprivation and having no clue what you’re doing but doing the best you can. AND YOU’RE DOING IT! I promise it gets easier. We had big shifts at 3 and 6 months. Hang in there. I remember feeling so crazy at that stage about how much my life had changed and the pace of my life had changed. Now looking back on it, it just seems like my new normal and I’ve kind of recalibrated to this version of life…and it’s amazing. Sending love your way!
I’m trying to remember this every day (and reading this post while nursing 2 month old). I’m on maternity leave and already the time has flown by. If she wants to nap in my arms then I’m trying to not only let it be but savor it! I love reading your posts about Finn. Congrats on mommy-hood. Also there is so much to be anxious about, and a million things we may blame ourselves for as our kids develop. But don’t let it torture you. I love the quote “you don’t have to be perfect to be the perfect parent”.
Congratulations back to you as well Laura. Thank you for reading. Yes, I love that quote and I also think a lot too that, “parents are humans too.” I think our children are hear to teach us things that we were meant to learn and I think they also learn by watching us learn those lessons…if that all makes sense. <3
This is perfect. Thank you.
You are very welcome. xo
Thanks for sharing this! I am currently 39 weeks, 5 days pregnant and waiting for the baby to come has been torture. I have worried about every little thing while I have been pregnant, and I have also felt guilty about it. I can’t wait for her to come out, so I can finally meet her. You have reminded me to choose to take it one day at a time and know there is a strong, resilient baby in there excited to meet me, too. ❤️
You are welcome and BIGGEST CONGRATS to you. I am so so happy and excited for you and the journey that you are about to embark on. Sending prayers and love your way.
I’m loving your mom posts (although they often make me cry!). Thank you for sharing, and you are doing such a great job with Finn! Its hard to balance life (what’s that?) and a child, My three year old is having a tough time getting to sleep and I struggle with letting him cry a bit or going up there. At this point, I just go up there because rocking with him feels so good (for both of us).
Oh thank you so much Moira. There is no balance! It’s just day-by-day the best we can do! Gosh, I know…it is so hard to hear them cry and let them cry. I struggle with that too.
I love this. As i was rocking my sweet 8m old daughter last night, willing her to go to sleep, I was reminded of a beautiful line I read yesterday on the Coffee and Crumbs Instagram page: For this Child, I prayed. It helped to ease my stress of getting dinner ready, opening up the laptop, and those fears about whether she’ll ever sleep. I remembered all the anxiety and doubts during pregnancy, the beauty of her arrival, and those early bleary-eyed days and thought about how much I had prayed during each of those stages. It helped me last night, rocking my girl. For this child, I prayed.
Yes to all of this and that is one of my favorite passages. So beautiful.
Oh I love that video. As a new mom of 7 wks, I can totally relate to the anxiety and struggle of trying to get everything done while my schedule is dictated by a newborn. I’ve had a really hard time with it, but this reminder that all of the to-dos are not nearly as important as what I’m holding in my arms really hits home. It’s a huge life adjustment to force yourself to slow down and I know I have a problem with it. It’s good to hear that other people struggle as well. I think a big factor is ratcheting down the expectations on what can be done now, vs what I could do in a normal day before. It’s like night and day – but I will get used to it, and enjoy this sweet baby as much as possible in the meantime.
Oh Kristy, congratulations to you! You are in the thick of the newborn stage. Sending you lots of strength and love. It really, really gets easier and better…at 3 months and 6 months for me. Huge changes. We have to talk about not just how beautiful motherhood is, but also how hard. I was so grateful for the friends I had that validated that for me. And yes to adjusting expectations. It is crazy how different my productivity levels are now versus pre-baby…but that is OKAY for right now. My focus has just shifted! It doesn’t mean that what we ARE doing isn’t super important. (Raising a tiny human and keeping them alive and well!!!) What could be more important right now?
Hi Jen,
Such a beautiful post. Indeed guilt is something that can crush us as moms. I actively chose to not go there and focus on the amazing moms we are…
Best advice I was given was to not take advice. Indeed I’ve followed it since day 1. I listened to my instinct and beliefs and it was the best thing for me and my baby. There is no one in the world that can tell me how to take care of him, as I am the one who profoundly knows my child. Ultimately I gave him all the cuddles, co-sleeping, brestfeedings on demand, presence that he needed. He still sleeps in my bed many times, whenever he asks for it (he is 3) and I have zero worries about it. I actually love it 🙂
Sofia – I love you focus and choosing not to go there. Wise.
I FEEL YOU on going with your instincts. I have done the opposite of a lot of the advice I was given during pregnancy and the opposite of what I *thought* I would do as a parent. It’s amazing how we have that inner guide as moms that tells us what is right for our babies.
I love this post. Even though I’m staying home right now and I know when my youngest gets older I’ll go back to teaching, I know I need to soak up this time. I’m appreciative I can help in my kindergartener’s class and happy I can take my youngest to music and story time. The baby years are tough but also so special. I’m loving that my boys are 2.5 and 6 and some things are getting easier but miss the snuggles and chest naps. Kids are amazing and the bond is amazing!
Everyone keeps telling me that every age has it’s special and unique things that make you love it. I know there is so so much more joy, happiness and memories in front of us but the baby stage is such a beautiful time. And yes, hard!!! Kids are more amazing than I ever dreamed they could be.
I love your motherhood posts too. I had a baby boy three days after you had Finn so I find your posts conforming and real. I feel so guilty about a lot of things but I remind myself that there is only so much control we have over any given situation and we have to give ourselves grace. Would I be hard on my friends?! My own mom? Never!
Love to you and Finn.
Thank you and I love that our babes are so close in age. And yes, I use the perspective of “would I be this hard on my friends/family/etc if they were dealing with this” and the answer is always no. We totally need to extend that same grace to ourselves and just strive to do the best that we can. Sending love and holiday wishes back to you!
So true! My oldest is now 7.5 (youngest is 2.5) and I remember when he was probably 3 years old and my mom had been over to visit. She left to go home, which is only 15 minutes away, and my son started crying that he wanted one more hug and kiss from her. I called her and told her what was going on and even though she was over half way home she turned around and came back for just one more hug and kiss. I told her that wasn’t necessary but she said he won’t always ask for them so she was going to give them and take them as often as she could. I need to remember this more.
This is so, so sweet. I used to cry when we left my grandparents house when I was young! So sweet that your mom came back. Ahhhh.
As always thank you for sharing❤️ I’ll be a second time Mom in March and this was a beautiful reminder to slow down and soak it all in. I find myself sometimes getting too caught up in the to do list that I’m not always truly present with my daughter. I know life will get more complicated with 2 little ones so I definitely need to remember to slow it down and savor the moments!
You are so welcome and biggest congrats to you on baby number two. It will be a new normal but an amazing one, I am sure.
I can relate so much to all of this. Those early days were so all consuming and draining at times, but I look at my now 2.5 year and wonder how she could possibly be this big because she was JUST a newborn! I’m so glad my daughter is a snuggly kid and still lets me snuggle her before bedtime. I often remind myself to be present in those moments of quiet and fully appreciate her at each stage since she’s changing all the time.
I also worry some about the possible ways I’ve screwed her up from before she was even born. My pregnancy stress was a bit different from yours (my dad was battling cancer and has since passed away a few months ago, our beloved dog and first “baby” died when I was only about 11 weeks pregnant and I grieved that HARD, and I lost my job when I was 37 weeks pregnant and was extremely stressed about money knowing that was coming for the last few months). Plus I am prone to depression anyway, which cropped up during pregnancy, and my husband struggles with anxiety so I often feel like the deck is stacked against her genetically in terms of mental health. But you are so right that so much of being human is finding the resilience to push through what life throws at us and discovering the beauty in the ashes. There is no perfect stress free pregnancy just as there is no perfect stress free life and these kids of ours will learn so much from watching how we handle life. You are doing a great job, Jen.
Oh Laura, that sounds like so much to deal with during pregnancy. Stress is stress regardless of what it stems from and it is difficult to manage at times, especially when you’re already dealing with the hormone shifts and life changes that come with pregnancy. I totally hear you on being worried about genetic predisposition, it’s something that worried me a ton when even considering getting pregnant. But there are no perfect parents, children or people and we will just do our best to love and nurture them. I totally agree that they will learn so much watching us navigate life. Sending you so much love.
Absolutely love this post. What you and Finn have is truly special and incredible to watch. The way you look at each other is priceless. Glad your able to put it all in perspective and enjoy this time.
Oh thank you Laura. I love him so so much.
Ohhhhh thank you for sharing that video. I really needed a good cry. Being a new mom is HARD! I never understood how something could be so hard yet so fulfilling and full of love. You’re doing an amazing job, and I’ve loved reading about your journey and can relate in so many ways, especially about the guilt of carrying stress. I have a 6 month old. ? Thanks for being open and vulnerable and for sharing your journey.
You are welcome. And yes, it’s so hard but shows us a whole new level of strength, love and dedication within ourselves. Congratulations on your baby! <3
Relate to this so much. So easy to get caught up in our to do lists and xyz, but these are the moments worth remembering <3
they really are <3
I’m so glad I held my baby as often as I could when she was smaller. Even now that she’s four years old I try to hold her as often as I can. It’s tough being a mom, especially when you work outside of the home. If I ever have another child, I hope I can be even more present with that one and as many cuddles as I can. You really can’t love a child too much.
I completely agree with you. I think it’s super important for their emotional development.