Happy Valentine’s Day friends.
Pardon the not so great photo but my day started in the best way with snuggles of the toddler and golden retriever kind. Finn has been waking up at 6:15-6:30a lately so I’ve been bringing him into bed with me to cuddle for 15-20 minutes before we head downstairs to start the day. Of course Zoey doesn’t want to miss out so she usually ends up in bed with us. 🙂
Valentine’s Day mean “choc-y” is acceptable before breakfast.
I sent each of Finn’s preschool classmates the Llama Llama I Love You board book as Finn’s Valentine since they were doing a little Valentine’s party today.
Once I dropped Finn off at preschool, my Valentine’s festivities were pretty much over for the day. I spent the rest of my day in meetings, working and teaching…and I was totally good with that.
I have been single for the better part of two years now but I am not sad or lonely being single on this Valentine’s Day. Instead, I feel whole, complete and grateful for the abundance of love in my life. The saddest part of my day was when I walked into a sushi restaurant after taking a yoga class and they flat out told me no on placing a to-go order, haha. (It wasn’t even that busy…guess they were just getting a ton of to-go orders.)
Motherhood brought with it the gift of understanding unconditional, all-encompassing love that I didn’t fully grasp prior to experiencing the love that I feel for Finn. This new understanding of love has deepened my relationship with myself, my family, my friends and my community.
ME
I love me like I’ve never loved me in my life. I am so proud of myself for growing this amazing human and figuring out how to keep him healthy, happy and thriving. It’s a day-by-day exercise in doing the best I can with what I have available but I’ve tapped into strength, resilience and intuition that I believe was always with me but dormant and untrusted.
FAMILY
I have always had a close relationship with my immediate family but as I’ve shared before, becoming a parent myself has brought us even closer. It’s given me a whole new level of respect for how they’ve loved and supported me unconditionally for the 36 years of my life. While being a single parent has been extremely challenging, I would never trade the time that I’ve spent with my family because of it. I will cherish the memories that we have made forever.
FRIENDS
I have come to appreciate that I am in relationship with my close friends and that these relationships have ups and downs and take a lot of hard work, open communication and again…unconditional love. Being out of a romantic relationship has given me an amazing lens on my friendships, and my bonds with the important women in my life have strengthened so much because of it. The work we put in is worth the reward we get out a million times over. I truly believe that deep bonds with other women can provide us with things that our romantic relationships cannot, and we can’t lose sight of that when we’re wrapped up in the romantic space.
COMMUNITY
Just today a new friend and business acquaintance shared with me that I am “hard to read.” We discussed how some of that is feedback that I’ve received my whole life, intrinsic to my nature and won’t change. I also told him that I have been trying hard to STAY OPEN and not to come across as closed off or unapproachable. These days, I try hard to walk into the yoga studio, grocery store, airport…wherever I might be…with the intention of OPEN and not closed. I truly believe this is my life’s work. It’s a huge challenge for me but I’ve seen nothing but promising rewards and love from opening my heart.
I want to say a lot of things, and I won’t get to all of them in this post. Opening up about being single is a vulnerable space for me and I’m tip-toeing into it here. I know that there’s nothing to be ashamed of but it’s hard to feel like there’s not something “wrong” with me when all my other mom friends are partnered and many are on the way to baby number two. It’s been a gift to fully accept that I don’t need a partner to complete me. This little guy, my family, my friends, my work and my community are ENOUGH but that doesn’t mean that it’s not hard.
That said, it’s important for me to share that I am CLEAR that it is no other person’s responsibility to make me feel happy, whole and loved. Finn does not complete me. My family doesn’t complete me. My friends don’t complete me. My work doesn’t complete me. The only place that I can get the feeling of WHOLE and LOVED is within me.
Of course, sometimes I am lonely and wish for a partner to share everything from the mundane to the exciting with, but I am not willing to trade the peace and wholeness that I have found within myself for a warm body. It’s my dream to find a partner, get married and have a family but I would also rather be single forever than to settle for something that does not provide a huge value add for mine and Finn’s life.
Being single for these two years has been one of the biggest blessings of my life. It’s honestly something that I never thought I could do but I am so freaking proud of myself for doing it. I don’t know what the future looks like and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I dip in and out of feeling a little hopeless about dating as a single mom. I keep myself grounded in feeling gratitude for the quality of the love in my life in all the ways that aren’t romantic. I commit to keeping myself open to possibilities and not closing off or shutting down. I deeply trust that as long as I stay focused on my path of growth, healing and opening, big things are coming. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but they will come.
Wherever you are, whatever you are facing…lean into love. It doesn’t have to look a certain way. Love shows up for us in so many ways. I know that sometimes it’s hard to see it but it’s there for you.
Thank you for reading about this part of my heart.
Love,
Jen xx
You should follow Kristina Kuzmic if you don’t already! http://kristinakuzmic.com/about/
She is really inspirational and was a single mom herself for a time. She talks a lot about that and is just a smart and funny lady!
Good things are in store for you, Jen!! And that boy of yours is a cutie 🙂
I have been following you since almost the beginning of your blogging career, and I am SO impressed with how you’ve handled the challenges you’ve encountered these past few years. I see that you are emotionally healthy, and without even saying so, I already knew that you didn’t expect others to ‘complete you’, that you are self-reliant and aren’t depending on anyone else to make you happy. Everyone experiences those feelings of doubt, of loneliness. I never felt that I really wanted to be a mom. There are times when I wonder if that was the right choice, and I feel somewhat left out when ppl are celebrating their families, their children or (at my age) grandchildren. Ultimately I know I made the right choice for me, for so many reasons. I really envy your closeness with your parents and grandmother. You are doing great, and I wish you all the best!
As someone who is 99.9% sure that kids are not in my future (by choice! And I love others’ littles to death!) thank you for sharing the perspective of someone who has had this life experience and felt the same ups and downs about it, despite knowing that it is really the right choice for who I am and who my partner is. Thank you!!
This is a beautiful post to write on Valentine’s day. For so many this is a difficult holiday, there are so many expectations for romantic dates and gifts, and for some who are not with a partner there is sometimes sadness.
I have followed you for a long time and I am in awe of your class, and strength as you have navigated single motherhood. You are blessed to have such a loving and wonderful family and group of friends.
It’s a complex issue, not helped by ppl such as my older sister telling me I am unfulfilled. I have a few friends who are my age (mid 50s) who also don’t have kids. We don’t talk about it, we don’t discuss our reasons. We have our own sense of community, and can support each other as we age, rather than rely on adult children.
You come across as very guarded on your blog so I understand the feedback that you are hard to read. Sometimes life just makes us the way we are and how we relate to others. We’re all works in progress but at the end of the day, we are who we are and that’s difficult to change.
I’m not sure if you think this is constructive, but your wording could be a little better chosen.
This is such a beautiful posh and you are so beautiful, inside and out. Life brings us exactly what we need even if it’s not what we necessarily want or expected. I try to remind myself of that when I’m hoping or wondering about a future state or even when I’m struggling in the present. Love you.
Such a great post! Having a blog show how open you are to sharing your life-all of it. The highs/lows, etc and kudos to you for doing that. This post helped me get through a tough day. Thanks for being so real!
I always admire/appreciate your ability to express how you are able to express your feelings and what you are going through in a way that is honest and very real. More people need to hear this message that there are many ways to live a full and happy life that do not always follow the “traditional” paths that we have been taught. Thank you for writing this.
Such a beautiful post! It takes a lot to let people in like this. I don’t know how you are able to share such intimate parts of your life when it allows people to give their opinions. I could never do it, but I am so happy that you do because it shows me that I’m not alone. You have great perspective that I learn from. I could be much more appreciative for what I do have. Thank you!
Beautiful—thank you so much for sharing this post. It was exactly what I needed to read this morning. <3
I love this post so much Jen. Thank you for such a vulnerable and open post about love on this special day of the year.
Thank you for the heartfelt post. As a blogger, I’ve always found you to be open in a very healthy and mature way. It is not a bad thing in this era of oversharing to model a few personal boundaries. As a single mom with a toddler, I related to this post completely and appreciated feeling a common experience with someone. I used to enjoy relationships for fun, love, and excitement. This brought me fun and exciting lovers. Now, being a mom has taught me that I want a true partner, if any partner at all, and I will settle for nothing less than that.
I’m usually a lurker, but I just wanted to say that I love this post. I’m 36 and single with no kids (but I hope to have one someday … like probably I’ll have to get on that, somehow, pretty soon), and I really enjoy reading about your life. I love the way you write, the undertone of everything. It is comforting and warm and inspiring. Happy Valentine’s to you!
Wow- powerful, beautiful, open and strong. You should be damn proud of yourself. Good things will absolutely come- all while you’re enjoying the present. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable and shifting my perspective from a pity party in my singleness to being proud of myself and all the love I’ve cultivated in my life. You inspire me with how you respond to the challenges in your life.
Hi Jen!
I absolutely loved this post! I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts! I love how you broke down the various categories like family, friends, community, etc….. and shared your perspective of them.
I love how absolutely REAL of a person you are!
I am single, 34 years old, have been trying to find a job for 2 years since moving to Florida from Charlotte, NC ever since. It has been extremely humbling, scary, and eye opening. I have also been single for quite some time and trying to find purpose in each areas of life; like you mentioned in this post… really hit home for me.
Thank you for always expressing yourself, your heart, & your views so beautifully!
You have such a beautiful soul! 🙂
this is so eloquently and beautifully written, Jen, and it is so appreciated! it is so admirable, your opening up on a day like today about what can be a really sensitive subject. but know some of us readers consider ourselves your virtual friends 🙂 aside from the kid, i can totally relate to SO much of this. single, 36, not rush to anything and i put in about zero effort, just waiting for love to come when its time. and i’m totally fine and content with it! it’s nice to read others are, too. y’all rock <3