Happy Sunday. This is the eighth post that I have written in the month of June. In the 10 years that I have been blogging, I don’t think I’ve ever written so few posts in a month. My slowed frequency of posting has been due to several factors all happening simultaneously.
First, there has been the weight of everything happening in our country and around our world. It has been difficult to keep good boundaries with news and social media consumption over the last few months in regards to COVID, and also hard to wrap my head around the virus and how to live with it. I felt that I had gotten to a good place with it. This week we learned that North Carolina would stay in Phase 2 for three more weeks and that gyms and fitness businesses must continue to stay closed. We are also experiencing very high case numbers in our state and now have a mandatory face mask requirement when in public. It’s worrisome and I feel a lot of anxiety about a lot of things.
Second, the killings of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and the ensuing focus on social justice and the rise of the Black Lives Matter movement has been consuming (rightfully so). And then, we had a mass shooting in Charlotte this week at a block party that was a continuation of Juneteenth celebrations. Four people died. I’ve struggled with how to continue posting normally when things are SO not normal on so many levels.
I am honestly appalled by how much time I have spent on social media and reading the news. Not because I don’t want to spend the time reading and learning as much as I can but because it’s not helping me to go down the rabbit hole of social media comment threads and overconsumption of news. I share this because I think that social media and mainstream media has a significant impact on our mental health, and I am committed to discussing physical AND mental health as part of sharing my life online.
I believe there are much more productive and impactful ways that we can contribute to creating change that do not include excessive amounts of time on screens. I just want to post this scaffolded list of anti-racism resources one more time. It’s been very helpful for me. I’ve also been focusing on actionable steps beyond reading and education that I can take to support change. I also must take a moment to express my support towards the LGBTQ community as Pride Month comes to a close.
Third, I am struggling with the balance between motherhood and work. Finn is at an age where if he is awake, it is really difficult for me to do anything requiring a solid chunk of time and focus. And when writing and creating is a huge part of what you do, that is a challenge.
In addition to just needing a lot of supervision because he’s two and exploring his world, he also wants a lot of my undivided attention. Over the last week, Finn has started saying “WAKE UP MOMMY” if I am looking at my phone or otherwise distracted. Let me tell you, that’s a call to wake up for sure!
The thing is, I REALLY want to spend my days playing with Finn and being fully present for whatever he’s doing but the reality is also that I have to spend time working to support my little family. (Why can’t money grow on trees?)
I know that many of you relate to the challenges of schools, preschools and day cares being closed during this global pandemic and I am just here to share that I am struggling with it too. We are anxiously waiting to hear what will happen with Finn’s preschool in the fall and might have to look into a part-time nanny situation if he doesn’t go back to preschool.
This is a really freaking hard decision because now that Finn has been with me and not in school or childcare since March, I am sad to lose the time with him if he goes back to school or is with a sitter but…I have to work.
This is all compounded by shared parenting because Finn is not with me all the time. When he is with me I want to spend as much time with him as I can. I try to cram all of my work into the days that he’s with his dad but that leaves little time for me to connect with friends, spend time doing leisure activities, date, etc.
I share all of this with a heaping dose of gratitude for my work and my beautiful son but always with the intention of helping others feel less alone in what they are feeling and facing. <3
All that being said, I haven’t been in a super great place. Over the last few months I have felt more lonely, down and anxious than I have in a very long time. Two weeks ago I had a reckoning around how far into a hole that I had dug myself. I am introverted and already tend to like being by myself and the COVID quarantine did me no favors. I didn’t realize how much having to leave my house to go teach classes and run errands did for me until I didn’t have to do it anymore.
While I am still very much in the camp of being conservative about my actions out of the house, I have decided that for my mental health it’s time to spread my wings and start making plans to hang out with friends outside, whether that looks like meals or walks.
In closing, thank you for being here for all the parts of life. I am trying my hardest to lean into the current reality of life while also looking forward to feeling inspired and creative again.
QUESTIONS
How are you?
How are you feeling? How are you dealing?
What is your biggest struggle at the moment?
How have you navigated COVID + childcare and work?
Oooo, girl. It’s been a tough couple weeks for me too. We live in Texas, aka one of the new hotspots for the virus. Our sons daycare (he’s 2.5) had several cases so it shut down for 2 weeks and opens again tomorrow. My husband & I have “desk jobs” that require us to be on from 8-5 so keeping him home isn’t realistic, but I’m obviously super concerned about him going back.
I’ve also been weighed down by everything going on in the world. Recently put myself on a 45 min/day limit for instagram which I think will really help since I’m know you go down some rabbit holes too. Or just spend 2 hours watching ALL the insta-stories!!
We’re in Texas too! Our son’s daycare teacher tested positive so they had to shut his room down for two weeks as well. I’m worried it’s going to be like this all fall, periodically shutting down at a moment’s notice. Our niece is in town helping out, but he JUST had a tantrum this morning because he couldn’t get into the locked office where we’re hiding out working. I’m more stressed now than I was in April. It’s much more REAL now.
Alyson – this sounds so stressful. And I agree, it does feel much more REAL now
Hi Caitlin – I know that open and close situation with day care has to be so stressful. I am sorry. I hope that your family stays safe and well, and that things begin to improve in Texas.
I love your 45 minutes a day limit on IG. I am looking to set some similar boundaries/limits!
Big virtual hugs to you Jen. I can only imagine how hard it must be right now for you. Hang in there – this will pass. For now, give yourself grace. And definitely see people. I just moved to a new state, so I don’t know anyone here in Texas, but my virtual weekly zoom dates with friends keep me sane.
Thank you, Karen. Congratulations on your move. I know this has to be such a crazy time to make a move to a new state in regards to meeting people and getting to know the area. I am glad that you have your Zoom dates to bring you some connection.
Thank you for your honesty about your situation, Jen – this IS hard!! I wish I could offer some magical wise advice but I’m in a similar position of feeling lonely and anxious. I live in Japan and the thought that I actually don’t know when I’ll be able to fly back to Canada to see my family and loved ones…well, I don’t let myself think about that (except at 2 am ha).
But I do think sharing our struggles can help, and I know I certainly have been checking your website throughout the week hoping you and Finn were okay. Hang in there. You have a huge community of people who care about you and are rooting for you. Lots of love from a longtime reader!
You’re welcome, Katie. I’m sorry that you’re also feeling lonely and anxious. I can’t imagine being as far away from family as you are during these times.
Thank you for the love and support, I am sending it right back to you. You are so strong. <3
Hi, sweet friend. I am so with you on the social media rabbit hole. Almost one month ago to the day, I said goodbye to Instagram and Facebook and all other social media for what I thought would be a “fast” but turns out, my mental health needed it gone in a way I couldn’t have imagined. I get what you’re feeling so much. I do miss the connection at times but that was just an excuse and I’m so thankful for blogs and texts and calls that fill in for that connection. You are an amazing mother, and Finn is so lucky to have you. Never forget the lives you inspire and change, including mine. I miss you and am praying for you!! Love, Cort
When I woke up and read this comment it felt like a big hug. Thank you Cortney. It’s so wonderful to hear from you. I fully support your social media shut down and I can only imagine the freedom, clarity and peace of mind that has come with it.
I also want to thank you for opening up here. I just taught my first barre class in over 3 months and it was so refreshing to be back with people. Even the 2 people that showed up for my 5:45 AM class. Friendly faces, distancing, it felt good. We don’t realize how much we need those things until we’re forced to live without them.. for a long time.This is the point where I’m pushing myself to still be very safe but get creative to see people. Taking lots of walks with one girlfriend who lives near by, and trying to plan out an outside small BBQ.
But give yourself a break. Finn will take all of your time because he loves you so much, but it’s good for him to see you working! It’s good to be busy, to have some quiet time for “work” etc. You are doing great. Don’t doubt yourself so much! (easier said than done, always). We will all make mistakes along the way. Part of this journey!!!
Longtime reader and #1 fan!
Hillary
Hillary – I am so grateful for your steadfast love and support! I started leading an in-person yoga teacher training group in June and it felt like I received shock pads – brought me back to life to be in the studio and in a learning environment again. I am also pushing myself around creative socializing.
And THANK YOU for your extremely kind and encouraging words about Finn. What you said really resonated with me and brought me a lot of peace. <3
Thank you for being so open and real in this post! So many bloggers/instagrammers don’t show the real side of life and that’s why I continue to follow you!! I find that for myself the stress comes in waves. It seems some days you’re good and the next it’s difficult. Cutting back on watching the news has been imperative for me to stay sane in these difficult times.
You’re welcome, Jackie. This is something that I feel strongly about as I think that it helps others to feel less alone in whatever they are feeling or experiencing. I 100% feel you on the waves, and I experience that too.
I can relate to a lot of your feelings. My twin sons are 8 years old, so my supervision of them is certainly different than supervision of a 2-year-old. However, the situation related to the COVID-19 pandemic has meant a lot of changes to our summer plans. They aren’t going to day camp at the local Boys & Girls Club as they had the past three summers; our vacation was canceled; a lot of the fun things they enjoy aren’t happening; and they are bored.
I am working full-time remotely, and my husband is working remotely over half the time (still going to his office three mornings a week). Neither of us really has time on weekdays to devote to our children, apart from brief breaks to make them meals and the like.
Despite the fact that we are very fortunate in comparison to many other people, I find myself feeling sad and worried about a lot of things lately: the state of our country, the coronavirus, the possibility of getting sick or dying, the things my sons are missing out on, what will happen with school next month, and more. I don’t really know what, if anything, can be done about these feelings. I am already doing everything “right” when it comes to self-care: getting good sleep, meditating, exercising almost daily, eating healthfully, talking out my feelings.
I remind myself that this is just a season of life, and like any other season, it will eventually come to a close.
P.S. I recently took a week-long break from Fac.eb.ook, and it was so freeing and reduced my anxiety level significantly. I realize that social media is a part of your brand/business, so that might not be feasible for you, but I highly recommend it if you can do it.
I meant to add this to my comment on your first comment! I would love to take a whole month off of social media but I cannot because of work. I do think that I’ll use my phone to start setting some time of day and time limits.
I can totally see how it would be different but equally as difficult with your boys. I know how disappointing it must be for them that they are missing out on their summer camps and plans.
What you shared about acknowledging your feelings is really powerful and I think that it’s important to do that so that you can continue to use your resources to keep you going. What you said about a season is so, so true. I remind myself of this often.
Hi Jen. I hear you! After exhausting myself for a few weeks when my husband and I first separated, I finally came up with a system I refer to as my “energy management system” – one in which I have “go go go” weeks (when my son is with his father and I get as much work and adulting done as possible) and “let it ride” weeks (when my son is with me). Naming the weeks and acknowledging how my energy might be used any given week, and giving my self grace too, has been very helpful, especially with Covid-19. Best to you and Finn.
Hey Kristin – thanks for sharing this strategy. I really like the idea of naming and honoring energy resources. <3
Social media can be such a time hog. It’s so easy to fall down a rabbit hole and keep watching people stories, reading posts, etc. I find that setting strict time limits through the screen time function on the iPhone helps. I can’t be trusted to police my use on my own. And I block my access to social media aps from 4:30-6:30 as our son usually gets home from school around 4:30 so I want to give him my full attention. That said, social media is ‘just for fun’ for me – it’s not related to my income or promoting my work. So you are in a difficult place since I know you need to post to engage with clients/draw interest to workouts/etc.
Our daycare was never closed (our governor in Minnesota considered it an essential service and we had parents who are essential worker). But we kept our son home for 7 weeks since I’m high risk due to RA and I’m also pregnant with our 2nd. Those 7 weeks were some of the hardest of my life as a parent – harder than being home on maternity leave. My son would throw toys at my computer or push my lap top closed or say ‘all down’ over and over when I tried to work. It was really hard and the only way we got through those 7 weeks was watching a ton of Little Baby Bum (his fave show). I felt so much guilt but it was the only way I could keep up with work and keep him entertained. My husband and I work in the same industry and need to be working from 7:30-4 (but later than that most days) so we couldn’t do split shifts and work odd hours. Plus my husband also went into the office 2-4 days/week so there were days when I was on my own and it was so hard. So I really feel for you and I hope your preschool can re-open. if not, I think hiring a nanny will be so good for both of you. It’s just not sustainable to work full time and care for a toddler. A baby would actually be easier than a toddler since they nap more and stay in one place! A toddler requires a ton of engagement!
Hang in there. This is a really hard season of life for alot of us. And being a single parent multiplies the challenges you are experiencing. I have started to get together with girlfriends and other friends for outdoor gatherings. It’s done wonders for my mental health. I’m an introvert like you, too, but I find that I need some adult socialization to keep sane and happy!
I love your 4:30-6:30 blackout and I’d really like to implement some limits like this with my social media (and phone) usage.
RE: the childcare piece. I was nodding my head as I was reading about your son’s behavior while you worked. Also, did I miss that you are pregnant with number 2 before reading this comment. If so, I am sorry, and either way congratulations. I know this must be such a tough time to be pregnant, but I am thrilled for your family.
Thanks for the congrats! I’m about 4 months along, due in early December. I’ve been pretty quiet about this pregnancy – just starting to mention it in blog comments/on my blog. We had a miscarriage in October so my anxiety has been bad! Especially with all the COVID stuff. But I’m feeling more confident now and starting to talk about it more! We are very excited and I’m just trusting it will all work out!
I’m a single mom too and I feel everything you’re saying. I’m about 2 years ahead of you on being a single mom and this is what I have learned: it’s about quality, not quantity. Your time with Finn will be better spent if you’re not worried about finishing work. It might be less time but it will be better time. My daughter is back in preschool and our time is so much better now that I’m not trying to work and parent at the same time. The guilt doesn’t truly leave you but I can compartmentalize my life pretty well. Being a single mom is hard during the best of times but the pandemic truly highlighted how lonely it can be. I will say that I also realized how grateful I am that I wasn’t in an unhappy relationship during the pandemic. I might be alone and it is hard but I am happy and I am peaceful. Hoping the same for you.
YES. Not a single mom but all about the QUALITY. Time to get our own things done means time I spend with my daughter can be focused on her and I can be my best self.
Thank you for this reinforcement Andrea. It’s really helpful. <3
Hi Anna – I really appreciate you taking a moment to share this wisdom with me. What you said about your time together being so much better because you’re not trying to work and parent at the same time makes so much sense. And I also resonate with the need to compartmentalize some things.
I 100% agree over being alone over being unhappy. <3
This is such an encouraging and REAL post. Thanks Jen! I will be thinking of you. XOXOXO
Thank you so much Laura.
Thanks for sharing! It was very brave of you to do so, and will help many others feeling similarly. I so badly want everything to get back to normal. I’m so tired of all the restrictions and fear. In many ways my life feels the same – I am a Hospital doctor so of course have continued working (and I also survived getting COVID!) my child has been in an emergency daycare since this all happened … so in many ways for our family it’s been business as usual for day to day life, but then I’ll turn on the news or realize I can’t get together with a big group of people or I can’t see my newborn niece or nephew and reality hits. I just want it all to be over already. It sucks and there’s no way around it. As a fellow introvert I can definitely relate to needing to push yourself to get out. As much as I want things to get back to normal, part of me weirdly mourned easing of restrictions since it meant I’d have to be social again.
I appreciated this honest comment. First, thank you for the work you are doing on the frontlines. <3 Second, I am SO relieved to hear that you made it through COVID. I cannot imagine how stressful this must be for you working in the hospital, taking care of your family and not being able to see you nieces and nephews. Also, I can TOTALLY relate to the last line about the easing of the restrictions. My mind works the SAME way! I could have written that myself.
The lack of childcare is such a struggle! I am so, so grateful to be employed and to have an employer that will let me do some work from home. I feel like I am always either working or parenting with only a couple hours off in the evenings to try to decompress. My partner and I spend little quality time together and I get even less quality time alone! Also the house is a disaster! Again so grateful but things are just not easy. My son is also two and an exhausting joy to be with. Just trying to be ok with survival mode! In CA masks are mandatory but they’ve been required in our county for a while so that’s not too much of an adjustment. But the constant stress of the pandemic is grinding me down. As always thank you for sharing so much of yourself, I know it is not easy.
Yes, thank you for sharing. It is difficult to navigate…and my house is a constant mess too. I feel like I cannot clean as fast as it gets destroyed between Finn, the dogs and myself! Also, I can imagine how much this is to manage when it comes to partnerships/relationships as well. Sending you a lot of grace!
It is such a tough time in our world and country right now, your post describes how so many of us feel right now I’m sure. Here in Boston we have had mask requirements for months and even my 3yo has gotten used to it. Important to remember that it’s about caring about others not protecting yourself. Our preschool closed March 11, and won’t reopen until September earliest. That’s a loooooong time to be without childcare lemme tell you. It’s a rough road. At least we have the internet as moms to commiserate! Someday this will be make a good story when they’re older! As a classical musician, my heart breaks for how long I’ll probably be out of work. I doubt anyone will want to go to a concert hall anytime soon, even if they’re allowed to open. But the blessing in disguise is that if I’m unemployed I guess it’s ok for daycare to be closed. I have dark moments each day but trying to also find joy in the little things. And remember that the small things that drive me crazy (no time to clean the house, have alone time, etc) are temporary.
I can relate to your comment about wanting to BE with Finn when you have him. I am a single parent who shares custody and its so hard to do anything else when I have my son. Im totally okay with turning down invites places when I have him, but its hard when there are things i know I should be taking care of, or on the flip side, be a scrambled crazy woman when he is with his dad as I run errands and do appts, etc.
Also, I admit that while I hate the fear and restrictions, I am also dreading the world opening back up, as an introvert. Its been so nice to have a slower pace of life. What I miss the most is my gym and in person yoga classes <3
As someone from the Mpls area, the weight of the world has definitely been present.
Thanks for your honesty. I appreciate your blog for that reason.
Thank you for being so honest!!! As a single mom, I identify with ALL OF THIS. I am working at home and have a new job – that I love – but it is so stressful and some days I spend 10 hours working and totally ignoring my boys. I’m lucky in that they are 14 and 11, but at the same time, some days they play WAY too many video games. I try to take them hiking and to the beach on the weekends … but half the time, I’m stressed about work or exhausted.
And I’m incredibly lonely. I’m an introvert but so anxious and being around my friends always grounds me. A friend recently said how nice it was that I lived in my own house alone with my boys (I’m a single mom and have my kids 80% of the time) but all the maintenance and stress and mortgage payments add to my anxiety.
I am SO grateful for all that I have and I love having my boys all the time, but this quarantine has NOT been kind to anxious people. I have gained 10 pounds and struggle with the uncertainty.
I’m also trying to learn from this and relax into uncertainty and trust that this is an intense time of growth. I’m also trying to enjoy the moments of closeness with my kids – my son just ate a snack next to me while I was working – and I love our daily walks and quiet moments. I just bought Sarah Blondin’s books and listen to her meditations every night.
Be gentle with yourself Jen! You are such a beautiful person inside and out and know that Finn doesn’t need you to be any better than you already are. You are already very awake and I’m glad to hear you will be doing things with friends.
Wishing you ease and comfort –
xoxo
I really appreciate and relate to this post. Thank you for writing it; I love the tone you have through everything you write. It makes me feel less alone.
You clearly love your son and prioritize his well-being, which is *exactly* what you should be doing. And you also need to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. You are a wonderful human being, going through something none of us have experienced before. It affects everyone’s lives in ways we couldn’t have anticipated. Thank you for still showing up here, for sharing your life with all of us (we appreciate it, so much!). We’ll be here, reading, no matter how frequently or infrequently you post. Sending love and light.