The weekend was…long. My intention is not to make my blog pity party central but the reality is that I’m struggling. Weekends are extra tricky thanks to the added layer of social media and seeing all of the posts about family life and adventures. As someone who works in the space of blogging and social media, I fully know that the comparisons aren’t healthy or always realistic…but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still go there sometimes.
Finn and I had our own weekend adventures as a family of two. I’m doing my best to find the beauty in these days, and to make memories with him, because I know this time is fleeting and I’ll never get it back.
Here’s what it looked like for us.
On Friday Dorie and her daughter stopped by to visit and then another friend came by with her daughter who was born three days before Finn. Check out Finn giving her a little grin! (And check out that sweet curl she has front and center!) There was lots of baby cuteness happening at my house that afternoon!
After my friend left, Finn and I packed up and headed to Target to grab some things for the house. He was in a great mood while we were at Target and gave me tons of smiles and wide eyes.
While I was there I picked up a set of my favorite pajamas for Finn in the next size up as well as a tank top for myself. I recently discovered these tank tops. They’re only $8 (but on sale for $5 right now!) and are incredibly soft. I have it in all three colors.
I baked chocolate zucchini banana bread when I came home to send to a friend who lost her grandmother. I’m going to bake it again to photograph and share the recipe with you.
After baking, I went for a long walk and talked to my grandmother and then decided I wanted pizza for dinner. I ordered from Hawthorne’s and gave Finn a quick bath before going to pick it up. I took him in his PJs to get the pizza and he screamed the whole way home. I was taking deep breaths and praying the pizza was worth it. This is a moment where it would have been helpful to have someone to tag in or to send to get the pizza! It’s such a gamble to take him out at night.
Thankfully, he passed out when we got home and I was able to enjoy a few quiet minutes of pizza and Gilmore Girls.
Finn was in a great mood on Saturday morning.
We set out for the Matthews Famers Market and I grabbed a coffee once we got there and parked.
We strolled around the market for a bit and I picked up a few things for the week, including some of these gorgeous eggplants. I think I’ll make eggplant parmesan with it.
It was great to get out of the house and enjoy the small-town vibe of Matthews and their market. I still prefer the Charlotte Regional Farmers Market for how much more variety it offers but this market is so much closer and sweeter so I alternate visiting the two.
Perhaps the most notable moment of Saturday was taking my first postpartum yoga class at Yoga One. I took an $8 karma class and it was 90 minutes long. I have been hesitant to get back on my mat in a public class and have favored home practices up until this point but class was great. It was nice to take from a teacher that I didn’t know and to be among other yogis who were complete strangers. The whole experience felt cathartic and just really right.
Saturday night found me back on the couch watching a mixture of Call the Midwife and Gilmore Girls with the leftover pizza from Friday night.
Finn has been sleeping until 8 or 8:30 lately, which I have been loving because it allows me a quiet start to the morning. I can make breakfast and coffee and kind of get organized before he gets going. While lazy Sunday mornings aren’t what I thought they would be, I can totally see and appreciate the sweetness in this moment I had with Finn.
The rest of Sunday looked like church, a trip to Publix, dog washing, bottle and pump sterilizing, baby gazing and other fun tasks. 🙂 I did have a walking date with a friend at 6 p.m. that was the perfect end to the weekend.
Well, this ice cream was really the perfect end to the weekend.
Look at all of those peanut butter cups! It’s Ample Hills Creamery PB Wins the Cup. It’s from the pack of four pints that a former student sent to me and it’s over the top delicious!
The end.
Do you prefer to go out or stay in on the weekends? I couldn’t believe how many people commented on Instagram Stories that my pizza + Gilmore Girls night looked “perfect!”
What did you do over the weekend? Any farmers market trips? Workout dates with friends? Pizza eating? Ice cream treats?
Hi Jen! I’ve followed your blog for a while but never comment. I want to let you know I l look forward to reading your posts everyday. You are motivating, a beautiful soul and truly inspirational. I’m sorry your life has not panned out to be what you wanted but your doing amazing. AND… right now will not be your forever. Finn is so lucky to have a mother who puts him first, acknowledges her struggles and sees that there is so much positive to be had. It’s hard not having a shoulder to lean on, so I’m sending you a big virtual hug. Keep on going girl, your doing great!
Hi Amber, thank you so so much for your comment and for reading and for your encouraging words. I appreciate the virtual hug and shoulder to lean on. <3
Looks like a good weekend! Good for you for attempting to stay present and in the moment. There’s been so many times in my life where I’ve felt so unhappy with where I was that I forgot to notice some of the good stuff, and I’ve definitely regretted it.
I’m more of a going out person, but I do love to stay in sometimes, especially when cold or rainy weather is involved.
Thanks for the encouragement Rachel.
Sending you so much love! The social media comparison trap can be so hard even when you know it’s a highlight reel. You are making so many sweet memories with Finn <3
Thank you Katherine.
The worst part of social media is only seeing what someone chooses to post. I know we know that and I know everyone always says it but it’s so true! I have a friend who will post the happiest of family photos while texting me a minute later how miserable she is. I know this doesn’t help much but you are doing amazing and will absolutely look back in the years to come and realize you are in fact having happy mother son moments – I promise! I was going through my divorce when my son was more like 3 years old and now I can look back and honestly see the good times I had with him then, rather than only the bad stuff that was going on. xoxox
Thank you so much for always being so supportive and open and honest about this process Meredith. I am grateful.
I saw your pizza story on IG and it inspired me to order pizza this weekend as well (plus I didn’t feel like cooking). 😉
Haha! Glad I could be a positive pizza influence! 🙂
I feel for you so much. The first few months with a new baby can feel very, very isolating and lonely, even with a partner alongside. Your world has been turned upside down in more ways than just baby, and that is some seriously tough stuff. I’m so sorry for that. I hope you’ll continue to let yourself grieve and heal in a way that’s best for you, and on your own timeline.
Remind yourself every day and every night that you are strong, you are capable, you are enough.
Thank you Kristin. I really appreciate you taking note of how much this all is to handle simultaneously. I was just talking to a friend yesterday and saying how I feel like it’s been two months and it should be getting better by now and that the expectation is that I be over it and totally good with everything…but the reality is that I am not, at all. It still hurts as much, if not more, than it did in the beginning. She pointed out to me that “it’s only been two months.” You are so spot on with being on your own timeline. Thank you for the mantra.
Yes, unfortunately, I have found that things get worse before they get better…. that’s totally normal. In my opinion its because at first you are sort of in shock, and in utter survival mode. Your brain just cannot comprehend what is happening and you go on auto-pilot.
As time passes, you “wake up” more. And it hits you. And every time you go about your day, trying to get back to “normal” life, it pops up, over and over again. Its really, really hard. And it really, really sucks.
But… you are really, really strong. 🙂 Even if it doesn’t feel like you are. So many prayers for you. <3
I’m glad your friend said that to you. Two months isn’t even close to being out of the weeds with new motherhood, much less when you throw in everything else. I remember when i went to the mall by myself (for like, an hour. A panicky hour because i knew he needed to eat again soon) when my son was about finn’s age. Someone asked how old my baby was (when i was buying him clothes), and when i told her she said “Oh, so you are still like, IN IT.”
And I cried. I made fun of myself later for being so “hormonal and crazy,” but looking back, i really was just in it. Hearing a stranger acknowledge that, so simply, just did me in. It is so hard, Jen. All of it!
You’re going to come out of this empowered as hell. It’s okay that you don’t feel that way yet. Let others carry you. All the best, I’ll be listening in the meantime!
This is such a hard stage of life. My little girl is a few weeks younger than Finn and I definitely have days where I struggle. Exhaustion and constantly being hungry ( my girl is really sensitive to certain foods – no dairy (ahh!) among others), but being scared what I eat will cause her pain, makes the situation even harder. And she’s an easy baby compared to my son! I just have to remind myself that this stage will pass. Each new stage is more fun than the last! Just wait until Finn is experiencing new things and you can see the enjoyment and excitement in his face. It will make all the hard times worth it!
Hi Elaine – thanks so much for helping me not feel so alone and for the encouragement on the stages to come. xo
If you haven’t read Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott, I highly recommend – I recommend it to all new moms, but she was a single mother with a son so it might especially speak to you. <3
I have not read it but I will make it my next book!
with a little baby (3.5 months), I am happy if the weekend includes: a long walk, a trip to the gym, and preparation for the week (laundry, sterilization of my pump parts, meal prep for work lunches). a meal out sounds nice in theory! but so does a nap 🙂 thank you for sharing your weekend and with so much honesty! these days with little babies are so precious but they are also HARD. appreciate you keeping it real.
Hey Allison – I totally here you on being proud of tackling a short to do list with a baby at this stage! It’s crazy how long it can take me to get things done around the house while also caring for Finn. You’re welcome for keeping it real, I will always try to do that. xo
I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time right now. Would you consider moving closer to your family in Florida? Family can be a blessing when times are hard.
Do you prefer to go out or stay in on the weekends? Both. I am 29 so I no longer stay out until 2 AM on the weekends, but I enjoy going out for a nice glass of wine and an appetizer just to get out of the house. Other times I just want to relax on my couch and read my favorite blogs!
What did you do over the weekend? Any farmers market trips? Workout dates with friends? Pizza eating? Ice cream treats? I was on-call for work so I had a low-key weekend. I did enjoy an amazing homemade pizza: I bought Trader Joe’s garlic + herb pizza crust and topped it with olive oil, minced garlic, shallots, mushrooms, Parmesan/Asiago cheese, and arugula. It was amazing! Next time I’ll add some prosciutto.
Hi Katie – I totally feel you on the preference for wine + apps rather than wild and crazy nights. I’m the same! And your homemade pizza sounds amazing!
I know how you feel. Being a single mom can be incredibly lonely even with a lot of support. Not to mention that you’re walking through the fire right now. While I can’t promise you that there aren’t moments of sadness and loneliness on the other side, it does become easier (especially when they are older) to embrace being a family of two. You are doing an unbelievable job. I truly believe sometimes that some situations force us to clear space in our lives for something better. I have no doubt that something better is on the way for you and Finn. I am rooting for you both.
Thank you so much Annie. I truly believe these things too, I just have to get through the fire part right now. <3
I second reading Operating Instructions by Ann Lamott and really all of her books! Also – Ariana, the esthetician, would be a great person to talk to about raising a son and working as an entrepreneur!
I will definitely read this book and Ariana is one of my favorite people ever. We have talked about these topics at length! 🙂
I have never commented before, but I felt like I had to tell you that you are truly amazing. As a mom of three, I know very well how difficult the first few months after birth are – and as Kristin above said, even with a spouse/partner present. Only the mama knows the real struggles – the intense loneliness, sleep deprivation, cabin fever feeling, inexplicable sadness, etc. Different for everyone but those days were some of the happiest of my life and also the saddest at times. It’s hard to explain. How you are getting out and about, seeing friends, eating well, and enjoying the little moments is remarkable. Keep soaking it all in – you are doing great. Finn already knows what a great mama you are, and these early moments are sure to make a difference in the man he will grow up to be.
I don’t know you but have taken hundreds of your classes over the years, and it’s just not the same without you – you are very, very missed – but we are all rooting for you and I know you will be successful in your new ventures. You work too hard not to be.
And one more thing – I hear you on the social media thing. To steal a quote from my pastor – don’t compare your behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. No one has it all figured out, not even close.
Keep moving forward one day at a time. You are an inspiration!
Hi Tamara – thank you so very much for taking the time to leave a comment. I’ll be honest, it’s been hard not to be a little resentful of having this additional stuff piled on top of already navigating through such a vulnerable and transformational time in my life. I am trying to do all the things you pointed out but a lot of times I feel like I am going through the motions. I’m doing my best to stay present and not to let this fleeting time with him be completely defined by the other challenges that are happening.
Thanks also for saying that I am missed. It means a lot to me. I poured so much of my heart into that place and my classes and it’s been hard to walk away from. I pray and trust that the right next path will unfold, both professionally and personally.
Again, I can’t tell you how appreciative I am for the outreach.
Love,
Jen
Hi — I just wanted to add on to TLW’s comment. While I do not know you personally either, I also have taken your classes for years and follow your blog. I TRULY miss your teaching and it is not the same without you. I would hate for you to think otherwise — had this convo with many yogis and your presence is sincerely missed. Just want you to know that. Very much looking forward to your new ventures so I can pick up practice again with my favorite teacher!
P.S. Finn could not be more adorable!!!
You got this!!!!!!
Thank you Elizabeth. <3
I just wanted to say how much I look forward to reading your blog. You are doing incredible and your love and gratitude for your little boy is so evident. I’m sorry the weekends are especially hard and that this stage in your life is not how you pictured. The first few months of motherhood are so hard let alone with the additional situations you are dealing with. But like you said in a previous post this won’t be forever and your time will come. Thanks for being real, you are truly inspiring ❤️
Thank you Julie. I really appreciate your kindness and recognizing what this transition into motherhood is like even without the added twists and turns that I’m dealing with. It’s been a lot to negotiate but we are getting there day-by-day.
I love reading your posts about Finn – he is just precious! I completely understand and agree that the weekends were long, hard and sometimes just boring when my first was a baby. I had a friend tell me that the infant stage with your first is the hardest because it can be lonely and i couldn’t agree more. The older my kids got, the more we would go and do and also became great friends with parents we met through daycare. Hang in there – you are doing great! It’s a hard transition no one can really prepare you for but one you totally understand when you are on the other side of it!
Thank you Courtney. While I love Finn being so small and cuddly, I am looking forward to being able to get out and do more with him. And thank you for the encouragement on the transition. It’s very helpful.
Hello to you and Finn from Kalamazoo,Mi on a late Monday night. I just bought the exact same tank tops in all three colors.
It looks to me like a beautiful weekend for the two of you. Finn is precious and a very blessed babe to have a mom like you! Hey, if you have a good eggplant parm receipe, pass it on!
Thanked care Jen, you’re doing great.
I can really relate to your post because my daughter is going through a similar time in her life. Her husband left her when her baby was about six months old and her toddler was just over two. She has expressed the same feelings you expressed. She sees the families…two parents…. and what she has is nothing she envisioned! BUT..it’s been nine months now and she is in such a better place than she was. So there is a lot of hope out there. You have so many changes going on, but things will begin to fall into place. Keep your spirits up. You can do this!
Hi Jen, please know that I’m rooting for you. I’m so sorry you’re struggling and I think it’s amazing that you’re clip-clopping along as well as you are. May the road rise up to meet you…sending lots of love.
As another commenter said, I too look forward to reading your posts. I’m about 10 days out from my twins being born, and your pregnancy and postpartum journey has really resonated with me. I feel like your authenticity is helping to prepare me for newborn life-not that it won’t be amazing and beautiful, but that realistically, struggles will exist and some moments will be incredibly hard. I hope you are getting the support you need during this time!
Honestly, I didn’t start to feel better until now and my son is 17 months old. I have family around and a supportive partner. It is still so hard! I think having your first is just so life changing, its really hard to feel normal bc your new normal is so different and whether u have a partner or not, its so much different than expected. Hang in there… it gets so much better. I look back now and wish I spent more of the early days savoring it all. People said it gets better at 3 months, some say 6 months, some say a year. For me, it was 17 months. Don’t compare… it is your own timeline.
Don’t beat yourself up to badly. It’s hard not to compare to social media but you know it’s just a highlight of everyone’s life. All of my maternity leave was hard for me, and my husband is super great and supportive. But I didn’t take my daughter out alone until she was 10 weeks old. I had a lot of anxiety over it and was so worried about her crying or what she might need while we were out. I’m much better now, but still don’t like solo trips with her to get a lot done. It’s just hard with a baby! So don’t put too much pressure on yourself when you are out with Finn. It’s hard for all of us and other moms don’t have it anymore together than you do!
Hi Jen,
I’ve been reading for years but rarely comment… I just wanted to reach out and say that you are killing it. I have three little boys under the age of 7 and can only begin to imagine how hard it is to manage mostly alone. My heart aches for you but I’m so impressed by your positive outlook and your commitment to fake it until you make it. Sending you love and light – keep on keeping on – the days will get brighter and easier. xo
Just wanted to echo what everyone else has said – you’re doing a wonderful job and it’s perfectly okay to feel sad/lonely/frustrated at the same time as grateful for Finn. Even without the additional struggles you’ve had, I feel like part of the newborn period and adjusting to becoming a mother is some mourning for the life you left behind. Not that you’d ever regret becoming a mother – but just the sense that, once you become a mother, there’s no going back. Your NEW normal can be 100% better than your pre-baby normal, but it’s still DIFFERENT, and it’s ok to feel conflicted about that sometimes. (if that makes any sense)
To answer your questions – now as a 37 year old mom of 2- and almost 4-year-old boys, I’m all for getting out and doing fun (outdoor) stuff during the day and then staying in on weekend evenings! We also got some ice cream this weekend, for the first time in ages.
Thank you for sharing.
I am separating from my husband and it’s tricky thinking about social media and the public face we put out there and compare to others.
Hang in there Jenn. You are doing amazing. The first year is so. Full. Changes.. Adjusting to having a baby in your life, your body changing, and just handling all the things!! Give yourself grace during this time. What I remember most was a feeling of “this is never going to end!!!” But the hard times do end. Being sleep deprived and hormones trying to adjust makes the little things seem much bigger. What gave me peace on difficult days was reminding myself that this too shall pass and trying to just truly focus on one moment at a time. Not thinking about what tomorrow will look like or what the next hours will bring, hugs to you new mama. We’ve all been there in some form or another. Keep on reaching out, keep on getting yourself out there. You’ll come out of this stronger and happier and healthier and grateful
I’m sending you so much love and lots of hugs. You are doing such an amazing job, Jen!! <3 Finn is absolutely adorable.
I don’t have a baby and I love staying in on weekends! Especially Friday nights- I’m always so drained from the work week. In terms of everything else, “fake it ’til you make it” is a great coping mechanism sometimes. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and forcing yourself out to do things that are supposed to be fun… and I promise eventually they will be fun. Also, Zoloft is a miracle drug and is widely considered safe for breastfeeding babies. I’ve been on a small daily dose for over a year now and I wish I had sought it out earlier. It’s immensely helpful in regulating my emotions and not feeling so bogged down by the bad things in life.
CUTEST little boy. And yes pizza is ALWAYS worth it. 🙂
Grief is not a linear line. Nothing in life is! Some days you feel like, oh, I’ve got this, I’m going to be Just Fine! And other days you slog through and are grateful to make it to the end in one piece. This description is true regardless of circumstances — new baby, relationship ended, sure. But so many other things too. It’s a fascinating thing to get older (I’m in my late forties and I am by no means done in figuring this life game out yet!) and realize new things about timelines and life moments and so many other aspects of being a human in this world. You will look back and remember the good and the bad (that adorable baby and adjusting to life single) but what’s interesting about how you feel about it is the perspective. Time is an amazing thing for giving you a new and different perspective on expectations and other life lessons. Continue to feel what you feel, experience the good and bad, and live your life. I promise it’ll get better, and then, who knows, there may be another curve ball at another point. There are no guarantees about pretty much anything in life. But no matter what you will learn more and more each day how strong you are and how capable you are about adjusting expectations and adjusting to new (and wonderful!) experiences. And you will continue to have family, friends, and a virtual community cheering you on. You are not alone! Embrace that!
You are doing amazing! You so clearly have Finn’s best interest driving you! Your love for him and the support of family & friends will get you through the challenges. <3
Im not sure about anyone else but my weekends are normally filled with lots of chore related things like cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery store, errands, etc. usually one night i do try to do something fun whether its sit outside with a bottle of wine or go out to dinner but normally i dont get to have total fun like some on instagram seem to do. i guess if people posted: doing laundry no one would care so they don’t ? maybe you are just getting used to things slowing down a bit more than you would like them to ? im sure it will get better when you start working more again. you may long for those lazy nights on the couch 🙂 the social media trap can really get you down though i totally get it !
Same! Life is just not that exciting haha.
Hi Jen, I’m so sorry you’re going through such a difficult, and beautiful, stage of life with the simultaneous ending of a relationship and the birth of a baby. Can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I’ve been reading your blog for years and have been applauding you on addressing the need to open up to others more and cultivate strong, genuine female friendships (something most of us could work on). You’ve clearly invested time in building quality friendships and I’m sure those friendships mean more than ever right now. While reading this post my heart broke for you because this is not how you imagined starting your new life with a baby. My heart also burst for joy because you have friends who love you and Finn dearly and want to be in your life through thick and thin. You’ve been through tough seasons of life before and you are incredibly resilient. Unfortunately, you’re right, there’s no specific time frame for grief. I am hoping you find peace sooner rather than later. In the meantime, lean on those amazing girlfriends of yours! They are treasures! And you’re an absolute blessing in their lives too. You’re an amazing momma, friend, daughter, yogi, fitness instructor, blogger, chef, the list goes on…. Sending you hugs and love, Jen!!
After reading through these comments, it validates that you have such a gift connecting with people. I feel like you write to me, personally, but look at all of these other people you have touched in person and virtually. Your willingness to stay open is admirable, especially in the face of hardship. Obviously no baby experience or tips from me but you are doing an incredible job and Finn is so lucky to have you. Your posts inspire me to keep the faith in my journey <3
I’ve followed your blog for a long time but haven’t ever commented..just wanted to echo all of the other comments that you are doing an amazing job and are so inspirational…I admire how strong you are and Finn is very lucky to have you as his Mom.
Thank you so much for your supportive words Lauren. We are figuring it out!